here's to hope that it will all be worth it

Carl and I have been married for 3 1/2 years now. Most of the things young married couples ask for, we've already got. We are not millionaires or anything like that but we pretty much feel like life has been good and we have been blessed. Some days, we feel a void in our marriage. It's like something is missing. We have been wanting to have a child since the day we were sealed at the temple. Most of the couples we know who got married the same year we did already have a child or two. Its not envy or anything. I think we just feel like it really is about time to grow our little family.

In 2010, we learned that I have a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was not surprised that I had this because I've had issues with my cycle since I was 16. Although I thought everything has been regulated since then because I already sought treatment back then. The symptoms resurfaced as soon as I got married and we tried to conceive. It has become a frustrating struggle on my part, and Carl as well. There were days when I felt useless and incapable of what I was divinely designed for. It wouldn't make sense. Last year, we finally decided that I consult with a fertility specialist. The sound of those words were mortifying to me. FERTILITY SPECIALIST - I am meeting this person because I am not able to conceive a child on my own. But then again, with much prayer and fasting, I started hormonal therapy in March 2011.

My doctor was really nice and personable. He helped me understand my circumstances, especially my chances. He was a very optimistic person, considering the kind of patients he sees - desperate women (and couples) who want to bear even just one child. He answered all my questions, and explained why we were proceeding with certain medications. It was an eight-month plan which will immediately stop as soon as Carl and I successfully conceived. The first two months were spent helping my body prepare for the hormonal therapy. When my body was ready, we started with a low dose of 50mg. With every month of no success, the dosage was increased by 50. We got to 150mg and still no success. In fact, the meds weren't even doing their job. I grew frustrated. I did not show up for my August appointment.

It was my last year in my masters program. I had so many things I needed to worry about. I was teaching, writing my thesis, trying to get published, preparing for research conferences. It was a lot to handle. Plus, I hated the side effects of my medication. It drove me insane, like I was a different person. Some days, I felt so blue and some days one wrong move and I am yelling at the top of my lungs. It just wasn't me. And so I stopped seeing my doctor. Carl and I tried to conceive on our own once again.

Towards the end of Fall semester last year, one of the topics we covered in class was transitioning to parenthood. As I prepared for that week, I felt non-credible but empowered at the same time. Non-credible because, what do I know about having babies much more about how married life changes once a child joins in. Empowered because I felt that I was in a position to talk about things that most LDS couples keep mum about - not having children. It was important for me that my students understood it is not anyone's position to judge couples who are childless - because not all childless couples choose to not have children. Infertility is widely misunderstood, not discussed enough even, especially in the Mormon culture. I am grateful to be in BYU, because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to share my testimony to my students that all losses will be made up in the eternities. I believed that, but all along - my physical body was just too weak to accept the reality that the Lord will make all things perfect in His own time.

That was my wake-up call. After Christmas break, I went back to my doctor. I apologized for quitting, and he lovingly understood. We discussed our options, and we decided we'll go back to step one (prepare my body for the hormone therapy) and then when my body is ready, he'll put me at 150mg. I start my meds again on the 17th. Towards the middle of the month, I will have to do a couple of tests to check if the meds are working. After then, its wait and and see if I conceive. If I don't we go up to 200mg. If until then I do not conceive, we will start looking at other options to help with conception - including IVF. My doctor was optimistic though. The fact that I lost a couple of pounds and my cycle was perfectly regulated when he put me back on the meds and I was taking a high dosage, my doctor was very optimistic that we'll have success this time. Then again, he told me that I should not lose hope if we still don't conceive this time and he will help me through the end.

I know Carl and I will be blessed with children, and they will be our children forever. Whether of our own blood, or by other means, or even in the hereafter, we know the Lord will grant us children. As for now, we will do what we can to prepare ourselves to become worthy stewards of God's children... and in the end, it will all be worth it.