When i started babysitting for a mom in our new ward, Carl and I were really excited. We both thought this would be an awesome on-the-job training for me especially...and the best thing about it is that we can see how different or similar our "parenting" styles are... (cool i get to use the word PARENTING). So i babysit 3 kids - Brent is 4, Chase is almost 2, and Kaylie is 11 months. Brent goes to kindergarten/early headstart during the day and gets home at 5:30-ish...so i spend most of the day with the two little ones. Babysitting these kids have not been uneventful so far, except for the occassional teasing and yelling and little boy fights...and of course crying all at the same time. Even that one time when I needed to stay with them for 3 days and 3 nights because their mom needed to be at a corporate training in Detroit, true i was really exhausted, but it was all good. I super love it when they take LONG naps and when they finish their food. And my favorite part of the day is when Carl comes to visit and he plays with the boys...sometimes he even takes them to the park.
I am not the perfect baby sitter in town, but I super love these kids. And today, I learned a very valuable lesson - too bad i had to learn in the hard way...
I started babysitting at 12:30 today. The day started with Kaylie napping and Chase was playing with his robots. When Kaylie woke up, Chase started to play with her. Chase took two plastic canisters with coins in them (which was sort of their coin banks) and he started shaking them. I figured both were amused with the sound the canisters made because they were both giggling. All of a sudden, Chase walks out and heads to his room and shuts the door (which wasn't odd coz he does that when he misses Brent). A couple of minutes later I peeked into the room and he was already napping. I was left with Kaylie and i tried to feed her, but she doesn't like her new formula just yet... so i played with her and i shook the canisters with her...and then while she was preoccupied, i stood up to wash my hands and grab something from the fridge...when all of a sudden I heard Kaylie coughing and she sounded like she was gasping for air... I ran to her and i saw one of the canisters open and couple of coins lying on the floor! Chase must have loosened the lid when he was playing with it which made it easy for Kaylie to open the canisters! My mind raced and the first thing i did was to open her mouth to check if she had put anything in it. She resisted and she continued coughing... i started to panic...she was red and was coughing nonstop like she wanted to cough something out and was already turning reddish. I grabbed for my phone and i was ready to call 911, because for some reason, i couldnt do my infant CPR stuff correctly! But then when i reached into my pocket my phone wasnt there...then suddenly i realized i left it with Carl coz he needed to make some calls. I took Kaylie with me, raced out the door and started knocking on neighbors' doors. 2 men came out of their apartments and helped me make calls to 911 and to Jennifer. Kaylie was still coughing but looked better when the paramedics came in. Jennifer, on the other hand, was by that time on her way to check with us. After a couple of questions, which i think i answered sanely, the paramedics cleared Kaylie and told me her air passage was clear, and the worst thing that can happen was she has already swallowed it and she's gonna poop it out. They advised us to have her checked still and possibly get an x-ray just to check if she really did ingest a foreign object. Kaylie calmed down, the paramedics left, and Jennifer came home soon after. I gave her Kaylie and I apologized as i burst into tears. I felt horrible...really really horrible.
Jennifer was very kind and she told me some comforting words. She said her only concern was if Kaylie choked...and she was glad Kaylie's air passage is clear - at that moment, that was all that mattered to her. But what really stood out to me was when she said, "IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MOM, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR CRISIS - BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A LOT." Jennifer went back to work after Kaylie fell asleep. She was probably so exhausted from the commotion. Jennifer told me everything is fine now and I should probably take a nap myself. (Chase by the way NAPPED through the whole fiasco).
As soon as Jennifer closed the door, i fell on my knees and prayed. I couldn't thank Heavenly Father enough for blessing Kaylie and for keeping me together through my first baby disaster. As I watched Kaylie sleep, I thought about how my mother reacted when i stuffed my nose with candied fruit seed 2o years ago. But most of all, I couldn't help but think how I could possibly let that happen to Kaylie. I felt so inadequate and questioned my capacity to be entrusted with a child.
I tried to take a nap myself and as i was laying on the couch, i realized, more than ever before, how big a responsibility being a parent really is. I also realized how important a partner is when raising a family. Taking care of these 3 babies, Carl and I saw some differences between our styles with the kids - we even have different opinions on what is "wrestling too much." But at the end of the day, the differences don't matter - whats more important is that he is there to help me out. But the biggest lesson i learned so far - no matter how hard we protect our children and no matter what we do to keep them safe, some of their choices will get them into some kind of trouble... and when those things happen, like Jennifer said, you have to be prepared.
PS. Because i felt so horrible about what happened, i told Jennifer she could fire me if she feels I am not able to take care of her kids. She said there's no way she'd fire me because her kids love me, and Carl. I think I realized one more thing - YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE UP ON PARENTING... SURE IT IS ONE TOUGH JOB, AND TOUGH MOMMIES NEVER GIVE UP!
So I guess I still need some more toughening up to do :)
9/25/09
Surviving, Moving On, and Gratefulness
The past couple of months, we've heard of our friends being involved in accidents on the road. I remember when i heard about Kuya Benjie's accident on his birthday, I couldn't believe he survived it. His car was a total wreck. I thought to myself, he was truly blessed. A couple of days later, Kuya Kamille got rear ended while driving on the freeway. I immediately got hold of Ate Yvonne to make sure everything was ok, and there i learned that their car got a real hard hit and Kuya Kamille was to be taken to the ER. After a couple of exams, Kuya Kamille was cleared and he only suffered muscle trauma due to crash impact. And then a few weeks later, Mhar's parked car was hit by another vehicle. Mhar was safe but his car needed serious fixing. It kept me thinking what if Mhar was in the car? And when it already seemed really odd that all these accidents were happening one after the other, I learned that Kuya Jayson and Ate Lally's family got into a slight car accident while driving in Park City. They were really lucky and they were blessed especially because both of their girls were with them.
For a few weeks, everything seemed calm and i wasn't hearing of anymore accidents. But because of the recent accidents our friends have gotten into, I made sure I reminded Carl to keep himself safe on the road. Carl works night shifts with MySpace and he leaves the house everynight at 10pm so he could be in El Segundo at around 10:45pm to be on time for his 11pm shift. He finishes work at 7:30am and reaches home at around 8:15. If you have known Carl for a while now, you would know that Carl is not the best when it comes to staying up late. In fact, I am the "vampire," not him. So even being the awesome driver that he is, I can not help but worry about him every night especially with all our friends' car accidents.
And then the most tragic news came. The Gunters were involved in a fatal car accident and Amanda was kiled. Levin and I had the same major in BYU-H and he was my classmate in a couple of my Psych classes. Amanda and I were never introduced but I have seen her around campus and in TVA. In fact, when they left Hawaii, they sold us all their kitchen supplies for $40 and literally transferred the contents of their cupboards and pantry to us. Carl told me that when he was reluctant to take all of it, Amanda insisted we take it because she'd prefer knowing somebody will really use their stuff than just leave everything on the free bin. Somehow, Levin and Amanda weren't just acquaintances to Carl and I... and we were devastated when we heard the news. And as if this wasn't quite enough, I read in Lois' blog that another couple from BYU-H was also involved in a fatal car accident. When i think about all of these accidents, it gets kind of creepy sometimes...but most of the time, very sad.
Our friends' cars have since been replaced or fixed and most of them have started the process of collecting damages. Somehow, their bodies were spared by the Lord's tender mercies and I know they have been reminded that their lives are more precious than any other earthly possessions they might have. Sadly for Levin, Amanda is now physically gone in her earthly state... but he still has Ansey to remind him of the wonderful wife he had on earth and he is assured of the promise of eternal families, and Amanda will be waiting for him and Ansey after this life. Though our friends have lost a portion of their possessions, and for Levin's case his wife, they have survived their tragedies and have started moving on. I know deep inside their hearts that they are grateful the Lord had spared them his mercy.
I always tell Carl he should be extra careful when driving at night because, first, he may never know when an accident can happen... and second, because the car he is driving is just a borrowed car. But the reality is, I am not ready to lose Carl to physical death just yet... I get frustrated when Carl doesn't get enough sleep during the day. Its a mix of being worried and being upset. Most of all, it is LOVE. I dont want Carl to get into an accident while driving at night justb because he didnt get his needed sleep. Most of all, I don't want to lose Carl. I am grateful that Carl has been blessed with alertness as he travels to and from work everyday. We are grateful for Carl's health and for our friend Emerson's car. Really, even in trials, tribulations, even tragedies... the Lord is mindful of us.
For a few weeks, everything seemed calm and i wasn't hearing of anymore accidents. But because of the recent accidents our friends have gotten into, I made sure I reminded Carl to keep himself safe on the road. Carl works night shifts with MySpace and he leaves the house everynight at 10pm so he could be in El Segundo at around 10:45pm to be on time for his 11pm shift. He finishes work at 7:30am and reaches home at around 8:15. If you have known Carl for a while now, you would know that Carl is not the best when it comes to staying up late. In fact, I am the "vampire," not him. So even being the awesome driver that he is, I can not help but worry about him every night especially with all our friends' car accidents.
And then the most tragic news came. The Gunters were involved in a fatal car accident and Amanda was kiled. Levin and I had the same major in BYU-H and he was my classmate in a couple of my Psych classes. Amanda and I were never introduced but I have seen her around campus and in TVA. In fact, when they left Hawaii, they sold us all their kitchen supplies for $40 and literally transferred the contents of their cupboards and pantry to us. Carl told me that when he was reluctant to take all of it, Amanda insisted we take it because she'd prefer knowing somebody will really use their stuff than just leave everything on the free bin. Somehow, Levin and Amanda weren't just acquaintances to Carl and I... and we were devastated when we heard the news. And as if this wasn't quite enough, I read in Lois' blog that another couple from BYU-H was also involved in a fatal car accident. When i think about all of these accidents, it gets kind of creepy sometimes...but most of the time, very sad.
Our friends' cars have since been replaced or fixed and most of them have started the process of collecting damages. Somehow, their bodies were spared by the Lord's tender mercies and I know they have been reminded that their lives are more precious than any other earthly possessions they might have. Sadly for Levin, Amanda is now physically gone in her earthly state... but he still has Ansey to remind him of the wonderful wife he had on earth and he is assured of the promise of eternal families, and Amanda will be waiting for him and Ansey after this life. Though our friends have lost a portion of their possessions, and for Levin's case his wife, they have survived their tragedies and have started moving on. I know deep inside their hearts that they are grateful the Lord had spared them his mercy.
I always tell Carl he should be extra careful when driving at night because, first, he may never know when an accident can happen... and second, because the car he is driving is just a borrowed car. But the reality is, I am not ready to lose Carl to physical death just yet... I get frustrated when Carl doesn't get enough sleep during the day. Its a mix of being worried and being upset. Most of all, it is LOVE. I dont want Carl to get into an accident while driving at night justb because he didnt get his needed sleep. Most of all, I don't want to lose Carl. I am grateful that Carl has been blessed with alertness as he travels to and from work everyday. We are grateful for Carl's health and for our friend Emerson's car. Really, even in trials, tribulations, even tragedies... the Lord is mindful of us.
9/23/09
maybe when the time is right...maybe
i didnt have the motivation to write anything on our blog. i mean...what is there share - thus SHARING OUR LIVES?!?!?! the heck... i sound pathetic aren't i? yes i am... i felt crappy 75% of the time for the past couple of months...i felt hopeless, helpless and scared. i think the only good things that happened to me since we got here in California were Carl's birthday, our first wedding anniversary, and my birthday. i acknowledge the fact that we have been blessed in more ways than i noticed... but maybe because i felt so low inside, i still felt crappy for myself. Darn YOU self-pity...darn YOU.
as i have imagined... moving to California was very TRYING. on some days, i have asked myself - WHY DID WE EVEN MOVE HERE? but that phase i already dealt with. i am over it and i have accepted our fate that was brought about by the decision to move to a place that is by the way one of most hit states by this economic recession. between carl's job and my "dependent" state, i questioned my purpose here in America and that made matters worse - because for the first time in my life it didnt feel like i had a purpose...deep inside, i was calling myself a LOSER. thanks to Carl, family members who REALLY understood where i was coming from, and friends who REALLY knew how hard it was for me - i slowly got over my self-imposed depression also known as SELF PITY. i got a little better each day, and each day became a little better...
and then it came... and i almost thought i was crazy... back track to July.
Carl and I have been trying to conceive since the day we got married. we've read stuff, we've tried stuff, i had my stuff checked. we were advised to get both of us checked if we dont successfully conceive after a year of trying. On Carl's birthday, I was already a week late for my period. I tested - NEGATIVE. i talked to my mom, she advised me to wait it out, give it a couple more weeks then test again. 2 weeks later, i tested again - NEGATIVE. Carl was being positive and started talking to my belly, telling it to be strong. i told carl he was nuts...the tests were negative and this already happened to us before. i am not pregnant... but am i really not? i felt tired everyday and i started throwing up. my head felt light at times and i just wanted to sleep. i shrugged all of it off my shoulders... the tests were negative, can't beat that. another 2 weeks came by and i am still not having my period. carl told me to take the test. it was the morning of my birthday. i took my 3rd pregnancy test and it was negative... i was already 5 weeks delayed. i started to worry... im having most of the pregnancy symptoms in the book. maybe im not using the test kits correctly. carl took me to a local clinic and they ran a couple of tests on me. still negative. i couldnt get it. how can i not be not pregnant. the nurse advised me to come back in two weeks - which we did, for the 5th time it was negative. i was already 8 weeks delayed. she advised me to schedule an ultrasound appointment, just to make sure of whats really going on inside of me... a baby, a cyst, no baby, no cyst, whatever thats causing all my symptoms. i didn't show up for my ultrasound appointment. cold feet. what if there's no baby, but theres a cyst instead. i wont be surprised...it runs in the blood. carl was persistent. he wanted me to take that ultrasound on Sept. 16th. at this point...i was already 12 weeks delayed. I refused and insisted we wait for October... it ended up we didnt have to. I bled on the 15th. It wasnt miscarriage, it was my period.
I wasnt pregnant afterall. What I had was probably PSEUDOCYESIS. yup - BIG WORD. its commonly called hysterical pregnancy and it means false pregnancy - the body exhibits pregnancy symptoms even if theres no pregnancy because the mind and the body wants to have a baby badly. its mostly psychological. reports have shown that some women actually get huge prego bellies like for real but theres no real pregnancy going on and other people might even feel fetal movements. Crazy huh... i actually thought i was crazy.
self pity mode all over again. i saw the faces and bellies of every pregnant woman i know in my mind at that moment and i wanted to ask them WHY ARE YOU PREGNANT AND I AM NOT?! it felt unfair - really unfair. i was mad at my body... because i failed once again - at something that I know i should be able to do. it took me a couple of days... i still DONT want to see pregnant women right now, especially those who just got pregnant. if some of you will read this one, dont get me wrong. i am not mad at you or your pregnancy - just dont talk to me about it right now. to those who had been prego for a while now, like my dear friend Samantha, you're all good - i know what youve been through and you totally deserve your baby.
as for me and carl, and my uterus...we will keep on trying...and maybe when the time is right, my womb ill get that chance too... maybe.
as i have imagined... moving to California was very TRYING. on some days, i have asked myself - WHY DID WE EVEN MOVE HERE? but that phase i already dealt with. i am over it and i have accepted our fate that was brought about by the decision to move to a place that is by the way one of most hit states by this economic recession. between carl's job and my "dependent" state, i questioned my purpose here in America and that made matters worse - because for the first time in my life it didnt feel like i had a purpose...deep inside, i was calling myself a LOSER. thanks to Carl, family members who REALLY understood where i was coming from, and friends who REALLY knew how hard it was for me - i slowly got over my self-imposed depression also known as SELF PITY. i got a little better each day, and each day became a little better...
and then it came... and i almost thought i was crazy... back track to July.
Carl and I have been trying to conceive since the day we got married. we've read stuff, we've tried stuff, i had my stuff checked. we were advised to get both of us checked if we dont successfully conceive after a year of trying. On Carl's birthday, I was already a week late for my period. I tested - NEGATIVE. i talked to my mom, she advised me to wait it out, give it a couple more weeks then test again. 2 weeks later, i tested again - NEGATIVE. Carl was being positive and started talking to my belly, telling it to be strong. i told carl he was nuts...the tests were negative and this already happened to us before. i am not pregnant... but am i really not? i felt tired everyday and i started throwing up. my head felt light at times and i just wanted to sleep. i shrugged all of it off my shoulders... the tests were negative, can't beat that. another 2 weeks came by and i am still not having my period. carl told me to take the test. it was the morning of my birthday. i took my 3rd pregnancy test and it was negative... i was already 5 weeks delayed. i started to worry... im having most of the pregnancy symptoms in the book. maybe im not using the test kits correctly. carl took me to a local clinic and they ran a couple of tests on me. still negative. i couldnt get it. how can i not be not pregnant. the nurse advised me to come back in two weeks - which we did, for the 5th time it was negative. i was already 8 weeks delayed. she advised me to schedule an ultrasound appointment, just to make sure of whats really going on inside of me... a baby, a cyst, no baby, no cyst, whatever thats causing all my symptoms. i didn't show up for my ultrasound appointment. cold feet. what if there's no baby, but theres a cyst instead. i wont be surprised...it runs in the blood. carl was persistent. he wanted me to take that ultrasound on Sept. 16th. at this point...i was already 12 weeks delayed. I refused and insisted we wait for October... it ended up we didnt have to. I bled on the 15th. It wasnt miscarriage, it was my period.
I wasnt pregnant afterall. What I had was probably PSEUDOCYESIS. yup - BIG WORD. its commonly called hysterical pregnancy and it means false pregnancy - the body exhibits pregnancy symptoms even if theres no pregnancy because the mind and the body wants to have a baby badly. its mostly psychological. reports have shown that some women actually get huge prego bellies like for real but theres no real pregnancy going on and other people might even feel fetal movements. Crazy huh... i actually thought i was crazy.
self pity mode all over again. i saw the faces and bellies of every pregnant woman i know in my mind at that moment and i wanted to ask them WHY ARE YOU PREGNANT AND I AM NOT?! it felt unfair - really unfair. i was mad at my body... because i failed once again - at something that I know i should be able to do. it took me a couple of days... i still DONT want to see pregnant women right now, especially those who just got pregnant. if some of you will read this one, dont get me wrong. i am not mad at you or your pregnancy - just dont talk to me about it right now. to those who had been prego for a while now, like my dear friend Samantha, you're all good - i know what youve been through and you totally deserve your baby.
as for me and carl, and my uterus...we will keep on trying...and maybe when the time is right, my womb ill get that chance too... maybe.
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