6/18/13

These are all the many changes in our lives

I've never really understood the meaning of change until Lorenz came into our lives. The moment I held him in my arms, everything became DIFFERENT - in a good way... it was overwhelming, and Carl and I are lost for words to describe all the changes we have gone through as we transitioned from being a couple to being parents.

Lorenz's naming and blessing - January 6th 2013

While the first couple of days were a combination of excitement and exhaustion, we are blessed to have a very nice little boy. For the most part, he was a good sleeper. The first week at home was very challenging. He wouldn't latch and although I had very little milk, I tried to express as much as I could so he could get some nourishment from me. My mom was a very big blessing. Having her around made all the difference. Carl went back to work two days after we got home from the hospital. I had two weeks to recover before I went back to school for winter semester.It was a roller coaster. When I had class, Lorenz would sleep with my mom the night before. I was literally split between doing homework/research and wanting to spend time with my little boy. There were days when I questioned myself - whether I should just quit school and be a mom. But it wasn't as simple as that, although I hoped it was.

Lorenz, on most days, is an easy kid. He likes being held and cuddled and he loves to listen to lullabyes. He's got his little personality that is just so easy to fall in love with. He doesn't like to be swaddled... if he's swaddled, he doesn't like his hands tucked in. He loves his baths and his morning exercise. One of my favorite tender moment with Lorenz was when I had to finish homework and he was being fussy. I whispered into his ear that mommy needs to finish some homework, and if he let me finish my homework, we will have more time to cuddle. Almost immediately, he just fell asleep and slept for the next 3 hours.


Lorenz loves spending time with daddy. They cuddle as soon as Carl gets home from work. Lorenz is all over Carl once Carl is home. Carl has done some evening shifts, but since he has to leave early for work everyday, its usually my mom or me. But he can definitely change a diaper and feed the baby. 



Because I had very little milk, I would often feel frustrated and feel bad for myself and Lorenz. Carl would always remind me that I don't have to be hard on myself - I just need to be the mom I know how for the moment. One day at a time. I felt like because I was being away from Lorenz on most days and he spends more time with my mom, he wouldn't form a bond with me. I struggled to believe in my capacity to be a good mother. 


I've questioned my plans about school and a career. Its never easy. I've never second guessed myself for so many things before. But just holding Lorenz close to me makes things better. When he falls asleep in my arms, he clings to me like he doesn't want to let go. Day after day, he shows more and more of his personality and we are loving it. Lorenz is worth all the wait. I guess the Lord sent us Lorenz so we can really ask how much we can give, how much we can love, how much of ourselves are we willing to impart. At this point in my life, as a mother and a wife, I wish things about mothering and parenthood in general could be more plain and simple. While it is not at this time, I've decided to love Lorenz with every part of myself everyday of my life, whether I'm with him or not.



1/6/13

the birth story

I gave birth exactly a week ago, December 29th, 2012 at 12:31 pm. It was a long and hard labor... and I will try to make the long story short - but if you still find it rather long - remember that you have been warned - and to start things off, and so that you would understand the lengthiness of this post - I WAS IN LABOR FOR 30 LONG HOURS...


December 28th
4:00 am. I woke up because I felt like my insides were being pulled apart. The kind of uncomfortable sensation you feel when you are having bad cramps during your period. I observed myself for 30 minutes, the sensation would come and go, but I didn't time the intervals. I woke up my mom, and she told me to time it. The interval was around every 5 minutes. They weren't very strong, but they were certainly uncomfortable. After an hour, she asked me if I wanted to wake Carl up. I said I'd rather she didn't yet. I did not want to cause a commotion - with everybody in the house, I didn't want a chaotic run to the hospital.

6:00 am. The contractions (yes, this was when I decided to call the uncomfortable sensation contractions) were getting stronger but were still around 5 minutes apart. Still, I didn't tell Carl. This would be Carl's first day back at work after the holidays, but he has to drop off his parents, his sister and her husband at Jasmine's in Draper before heading to the office. I went to the bathroom and I had a bloody show. I told Carl I've been timing my contractions, but I don't think its time to go the hospital yet. I told him not to tell anyone yet, and I will call him when it is DEFINITELY time. And so they left

7:30 am. I called Carl and told him we might have to go to the hospital already. He might have to turn around and return to Provo. He called again while I was in the shower and my mom convinced him to turn around. Carl arrived home an hour later and we drove to the hospital which was 10 minutes away from our place. It was bitterly cold outside. The snow was almost knee deep and it started to snow again. 

9:00 am. We checked in at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center here in Provo and I was told to change into the "glamorous" hospital gown and a nurse would soon be in to check me. The nurse came in and put two monitors in my belly - one for the baby's heart beat and one for my contractions. She checked how dilated I was - I was dilated to 2.5 centimeters and 85% effaced. They monitored me for two hours. When I had a contraction, I dilated to 3 centimeters. The nurse told me I was in active labor, but it was still in the early stage and I was not progressing fast. She decided to call Dr. Dabling at 11:00 am. Dr. Dabling gave me two options. First, I can stay in the hospital and walk around there for another hour so they can still monitor my labor's progress. Second, I can leave the hospital and take walks somewhere else and they gave me an option to receive morphine so I can tolerate the progressing pain - that way when the pain overrides the morphine, I will know that I REALLY need to run back to the hospital. Carl and I talked about our options and decided to take OPTION 2, without the morphine. And so we were discharged at 11:30, we headed home and I ate A LOT of pasta my mom made.

1:00 pm. I took a nap. Occasionally, I'd call Carl in to the room so he could massage my back when my contractions were really strong and painful. It wasn't really a full nap. My mom gave me a mani-pedi at around 3:00 pm. All the while we were on speakerphone with my aunt Jen who lives in Texas. I was timing my contractions. I was getting worried because the interval was averaging 7 minutes. Weren't they supposed to be getting closer to each other?

5:00 pm. After dinner, I decided I was ready to take walks. We went around the 2nd and 3rd floors of the Wilkinson Center maybe 3 or 4 times, taking the stairs everytime! Everytime I descended the stairs, I would get a contraction - a big strong awfully painful one. But, heck, I went up and down and around the Wilk in the name of labor. I decided I was tired and ready to go home at around 7:00 pm. On our way home, I changed my mind. I wanted to give walking another chance and so we headed to the mall and walked for another hour. My contractions were probably still 5 or 7 minutes apart. But they were growing stronger. We headed home at around 8:00 pm.

9:00 pm. My mom went online to talk to my dad. I took another shower. I asked for a bowl of beef ramen. My contractions were getting really strong and they seemed to get closer together. I had to stop eating my ramen everytime I had a contraction, I cannot even hold my bowl. I asked my dad to pray. He wouldn't. He asked my mom to turn off the webcam because he couldn't stand seeing me in pain. I went to our room and would stand and lean over the wall everytime there was a contraction. BOY IT WAS AWFULLY PAINFUL, I had to catch my breath everytime. I didn't have to time it, it was obvious that I was having a contraction every 2 - 3 minutes. At around 9:30, I told Carl we would head to the hospital at 10 pm if it gets worse. My mom hit the shower. We started preparing to go to the hospital. I couldn't even dress myself or put on my boots on my own because of pain. We left for the hospital at 5 minutes past 10. It was dark, cold, and slippery outside - and I had maybe 4 contractions on our way to the hospital.

10:30 pm. We were back where we started almost 12 hours ago. After check-in procedures, I was once again strapped with the monitors for my contractions and for baby's heartbeat. The nurse asked me what my plans were for pain management. I said I'd wait out the epidural and I'll ask for it when I can't tolerate it anymore. I was 4 centimeters dilated 90% effaced with a bulgy bag. I was formally ADMITTED. Note to self - I have been in labor for 18 hours. When she said I had a bulgy bag, I thought to myself, well maybe this will be over in another 6 hours and I won't ask for the epidural after all.

December 29th.
1:00 am. My in-laws arrived. I only allowed my mother-in-law to be in the room though. My father-in-law and Jasmine stayed at the cafeteria (the whole time I was in labor). My mother-in-law reminded me the breathing techniques to help with the pain. They were helpful for the most part. I asked for my music to help me calm down. My mother-in-law tried to help me visualize calming thoughts, but they didn't help very much. The music calmed me down a little... but the pain was still strong. The nurse came in to check me again. My legs were shaking after she examined me... I was 6 centimeters dilated and was fully effaced. She asked me if I wanted the epidural. I said not yet. Although, I was already debating in my head. Can I get through this without any pain medication? I guessed it depends on how this is going to be. I asked the nurse how long she thinks I am going to be in labor for. She said she had no clue. Its been 22 hours. The pain was becoming more and more unbearable with each contraction. I talked to Carl and we decided I'll ask for the epidural if within the hour my dilation doesn't progress fast enough for me to convince myself that I can go through the labor and delivery medication-free.

2:00 am. I rest my case. I told myself I am not coward by asking for the epidural. I have told myself many times that my mother did it three times and gave birth to huge babies and she came out of it alive. That wasn't going to be my story at that point. Carl told the nurse I WANTED the epidural. The anesthesiologist was in the room in no time. I thought I needed to sit still but they just asked me to roll to my side and crunch myself like a ball. Next thing I know, they were numbing my back, and the doctor was looking for the right spot to insert that long needle for the epidural. This was the time I removed my eyeglasses. Without my glasses, I am almost blind and can only see silhouettes unless you are really near my sight. So I didn't see anything they were doing to me from that point on. After receiving the epidural, I started shaking - more shivering. I was told those were because of the hormones. They inserted a catheter on me so I can pee without having to stand up. I could still feel the pressure of each contraction but the pain was gone. I wasn't yelling in pain anymore. I felt relieved. I felt like I did the right thing.

4:00 am. I was 7 centimeters dilated and fully effaced. Its been 24 hours! My bulgy bag did not break on its own. This was when we got our first surprise - Dr. Dabling will not be the one to deliver my baby.Dr. Dabling was out of town and the doctor on call was Dr. Glenn. So the call was directed to him. Not that we didn't want Dr. Glenn delivering my baby, its just that we were expecting Dr. Dabling up to this point. Anyway, Dr. Glenn's first order of business was to have my water bag broken hoping that that would hasten my progress. After an hour, I was dilated to 7 centimeters. Dr. Glenn's next goal: determine how strong my contractions were so he could decide whether or not I needed a dose of pitocin.

6:00 am. Two hours after my bag was broken, I only progressed to 7.5 centimeters. Dr. Glenn told the nurse it was already necessary to insert an intrauterine contraction monitoring device in me so that they can determine how strong my contractions were and decide whether pitocin will be helpful or not. I guess since I already had a catheter in, Carl was a little bit apprehensive about another device being inserted in my body. But my nurse patiently explained why it was necessary. And so they inserted the IUC and based on the strength of my contractions, they gave me a dose of pitocin. After that, I progressed a lot faster. Next thing I know, Dr. Glenn was in the room and he was the one doing the internal exam. That was my cue - I know that once the doctor enters the scene, the ordeal is almost over.

8:00 am (maybe). I haven't had much sleep and I felt hungry and I was almost blind since I was not wearing my glasses so I wasn't really sure what time it was. But I know it was morning already. Carl and our moms already had breakfast. As for me, I've been having strawberry-coconut flavored ice chips for the last 10 hours. Then came the 2nd surprise. Dr. Glenn checked checked me and confirmed that my baby was in a "sunny-side up." My little boy was in posterior position meaning he was head down but was facing up. Based on Dr. Glenn's assessment, including the baby's size and my pelvis's size, I might have to prepare myself for a cesarean delivery. Its not impossible to deliver the baby vaginally even if he was posterior, but it will be very difficult. Unlike breach babies, doctors cannot turn posterior babies... the baby has turn around himself. If he doesn't, Dr. Glenn might have to cut me open. At that point, I will not say that I was afraid... but I had faith. I guess I had the most faith than at any point in my life - that the baby will turn. I asked Carl for a blessing and our moms said their silent prayers in their hearts. Carl and I talked to our son, and we made our first request to our child that morning. Soon after the nurses came into the room and they told me they will try to help turn the baby. The rolled me on my side and lifted my other leg and I was to assume that position for at least 30 minutes. They rolled me on the other side 30 minutes later. They told me doing that usually worked. I prayed in my heart that it would. But I also prayed that if it wouldn't, Heavenly Father will help me deliver the baby safely.

9:30 am. Dr. Glenn came back to the room. Another internal exam. Surprise number 3 - but more so - a MIRACLE. I was 9 centimeters dilated, and the baby has turned his head. Dr. Glenn told me I have a very obedient little boy... and now it was time to PUSH. I can sort of see staff wheeling in stuff in the room. I guess that was it. I started pushing at 10:00 am.

10:00 am. The nurse told me what to do - I had to crunch up my legs, hold it, and push like I was letting go of a big hard poop when she tells me push - and hold that push for 10 seconds at a time. We would do that for every contraction. Carl was by my head and he was counting aloud for me. My mom was helping me hold my one leg and my mother-in-law was on the other leg with the nurse and they would alternate. By the way, the epidural was starting to wear off. After an hour of pushing, it seemed like I wasn't pushing strong enough for my boy to crown. Dr. Glenn ordered to turn off the epidural. Even when he didn't, I was already feeling my legs anyway. Sometimes, I could push really hard. Sometimes, I would almost lose my breath. But feeling everything surely helped me push a little harder. Carl suddenly ran to the end of the bed and yelled, "Hon, I can see his hair, I can see his hair!" That was my signal to push harder. I knew I was bleeding a lot. The nurse would change the pad every 5 contractions or so and I can see it soaked in blood. And then I felt it - something hard was trying to get out of my body... I was so worried I'd poop. I told my mom I felt like I needed to poop. She said, "nope, that's the baby's head."

I've lost track of time. I was told to stop pushing until the doctor tells me to push again. It seemed like forever for Dr. Glenn to arrive in the room. Then Dr. Glenn was at the end of the bed and he told me he would have to do an episiotomy. Another doctor came in to give me some pain medication I guess for the episiotomy.  Dr. Glenn told me to push real hard when he tells me to because if I don't he might have to forcep Lorenz out of my body. I don't really know how many times I had to push until this warm, bloody, huge little body was in my chest. It was 12:31 pm. Lorenz is finally here. Dr. Glenn asked Carl if he wanted to cut the baby's umbilical cord. Carl said yes... but I guess he got a little nervous and asked Dr. Glenn to finish the job. I can sort of see Dr. Glenn stitching me up, but I decided to look at the nurses cleaning up my baby. They gave him back to me so I can hold him before they take him to the nursery for further cleaning and for some newborn screening. I was holding our son - Lorenz - he weighed 8 pounds 4.4 ounces and he was 21 inches long. He was ours... he is finally here... it was the longest 32 hours of my life... but when I held him in my arms - all the pain was gone, and I've never felt stronger in my life. 

Daddy, Lorenz, and Me...