maybe when the time is right...maybe

i didnt have the motivation to write anything on our blog. i mean...what is there share - thus SHARING OUR LIVES?!?!?! the heck... i sound pathetic aren't i? yes i am... i felt crappy 75% of the time for the past couple of months...i felt hopeless, helpless and scared. i think the only good things that happened to me since we got here in California were Carl's birthday, our first wedding anniversary, and my birthday. i acknowledge the fact that we have been blessed in more ways than i noticed... but maybe because i felt so low inside, i still felt crappy for myself. Darn YOU self-pity...darn YOU.


as i have imagined... moving to California was very TRYING. on some days, i have asked myself - WHY DID WE EVEN MOVE HERE? but that phase i already dealt with. i am over it and i have accepted our fate that was brought about by the decision to move to a place that is by the way one of most hit states by this economic recession. between carl's job and my "dependent" state, i questioned my purpose here in America and that made matters worse - because for the first time in my life it didnt feel like i had a purpose...deep inside, i was calling myself a LOSER. thanks to Carl, family members who REALLY understood where i was coming from, and friends who REALLY knew how hard it was for me - i slowly got over my self-imposed depression also known as SELF PITY. i got a little better each day, and each day became a little better...




and then it came... and i almost thought i was crazy... back track to July.


Carl and I have been trying to conceive since the day we got married. we've read stuff, we've tried stuff, i had my stuff checked. we were advised to get both of us checked if we dont successfully conceive after a year of trying. On Carl's birthday, I was already a week late for my period. I tested - NEGATIVE. i talked to my mom, she advised me to wait it out, give it a couple more weeks then test again. 2 weeks later, i tested again - NEGATIVE. Carl was being positive and started talking to my belly, telling it to be strong. i told carl he was nuts...the tests were negative and this already happened to us before. i am not pregnant... but am i really not? i felt tired everyday and i started throwing up. my head felt light at times and i just wanted to sleep. i shrugged all of it off my shoulders... the tests were negative, can't beat that. another 2 weeks came by and i am still not having my period. carl told me to take the test. it was the morning of my birthday. i took my 3rd pregnancy test and it was negative... i was already 5 weeks delayed. i started to worry... im having most of the pregnancy symptoms in the book. maybe im not using the test kits correctly. carl took me to a local clinic and they ran a couple of tests on me. still negative. i couldnt get it. how can i not be not pregnant. the nurse advised me to come back in two weeks - which we did, for the 5th time it was negative. i was already 8 weeks delayed. she advised me to schedule an ultrasound appointment, just to make sure of whats really going on inside of me... a baby, a cyst, no baby, no cyst, whatever thats causing all my symptoms. i didn't show up for my ultrasound appointment. cold feet. what if there's no baby, but theres a cyst instead. i wont be surprised...it runs in the blood. carl was persistent. he wanted me to take that ultrasound on Sept. 16th. at this point...i was already 12 weeks delayed. I refused and insisted we wait for October... it ended up we didnt have to. I bled on the 15th. It wasnt miscarriage, it was my period.


I wasnt pregnant afterall. What I had was probably PSEUDOCYESIS. yup - BIG WORD. its commonly called hysterical pregnancy and it means false pregnancy - the body exhibits pregnancy symptoms even if theres no pregnancy because the mind and the body wants to have a baby badly. its mostly psychological. reports have shown that some women actually get huge prego bellies like for real but theres no real pregnancy going on and other people might even feel fetal movements. Crazy huh... i actually thought i was crazy.




self pity mode all over again. i saw the faces and bellies of every pregnant woman i know in my mind at that moment and i wanted to ask them WHY ARE YOU PREGNANT AND I AM NOT?! it felt unfair - really unfair. i was mad at my body... because i failed once again - at something that I know i should be able to do. it took me a couple of days... i still DONT want to see pregnant women right now, especially those who just got pregnant. if some of you will read this one, dont get me wrong. i am not mad at you or your pregnancy - just dont talk to me about it right now. to those who had been prego for a while now, like my dear friend Samantha, you're all good - i know what youve been through and you totally deserve your baby.


as for me and carl, and my uterus...we will keep on trying...and maybe when the time is right, my womb ill get that chance too... maybe.