thoughts on Motherhood

When I was a freshman in college, a friend who was then a senior asked me what I see myself as in the next five to ten years. I was then only 16, only a few weeks out from the comforts of my parent's home, living on my own with strangers and trying to figure out how to survive college. I paused, and told her, "I plan on attending law school, practice law, and hopefully be married by the time I'm 25. And maybe I'll have 1 kid." I paused again, and then said, "And when I start to have kids, I'm willing to drop everything else."

Yes, my thoughts about being a mother has been that bold ever since. I have always dreamed of becoming a mother, of raising happy and healthy children. I always knew that I will have children... until I was told that maybe I will not. I was 24, I've been married two years, and our attempts at conceiving has been in vain. The doctor explained to me why... and I tried to understand, but I was more angry at my body than anything else. I was made to be a mother... my body is designed to bear children and my divine calling is to be a mother. Why does it have to be difficult?

Fast forward two years later. After numerous tests, bottles of pills, and monthly exams, I found out I was going to be a mother. As my body changed over the course of nine months, and even after that as I went through labor and finally giving birth to Lorenz... my heart has been shaped in many ways.

I am lucky to have my mother beside me all the way. She held my hand, like she always has, and assured me I was strong and able and worthy to be a mother to my son. Years ago, when I said "I'll drop everything" once I start having children, I might have meant quitting professionally and committing to stay at home with my children. At the present time, I have found that "dropping everything" has a lot more meaning to it. It means functioning on less sleep because of night feedings, teething troubles, crying in the middle of the night because of nightmares, congestion, and throw-ups. It means letting go of some housekeeping details when it used to drive me crazy that the closet is not organized by wardrobe length and color. It means working on school work late at night through the wee hours of the morning. It means taking a shower at 2:00 in the afternoon. It means getting sticky with baby food and rice and sauce all over you, the table, and the floor. It means giving up a lot of things, for things that matter more  - like playtime with Lorenz, reading a book with him, making sure he's fed and always healthy, seeing to it that he's breathing well and can sleep through the night in the middle of his bout with the awful could.

I am blessed to have a partner in raising this little boy. I am grateful for Carl and for all that he does to make motherhood a beautiful thing for me. We are not perfect, and we are doing this by trial and error. But I won't have motherhood any other way.

For mothers' day, the boys treated me with some pampering foot spa, some shopping indulgences, and seafood lunch. But more than whatever material gifts these boys shower me, I will be forever grateful to them for making my dream of being a mother come true. In reality, motherhood is not easy. And I get overwhelmed sometimes. But if I look back to the time when I thought I would never get this chance, I find myself in a better place than anywhere I've ever been in the last 29 years of my life.