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| Lorenz's naming and blessing - January 6th 2013 |
While the first couple of days were a combination of excitement and exhaustion, we are blessed to have a very nice little boy. For the most part, he was a good sleeper. The first week at home was very challenging. He wouldn't latch and although I had very little milk, I tried to express as much as I could so he could get some nourishment from me. My mom was a very big blessing. Having her around made all the difference. Carl went back to work two days after we got home from the hospital. I had two weeks to recover before I went back to school for winter semester.It was a roller coaster. When I had class, Lorenz would sleep with my mom the night before. I was literally split between doing homework/research and wanting to spend time with my little boy. There were days when I questioned myself - whether I should just quit school and be a mom. But it wasn't as simple as that, although I hoped it was.
Lorenz, on most days, is an easy kid. He likes being held and cuddled and he loves to listen to lullabyes. He's got his little personality that is just so easy to fall in love with. He doesn't like to be swaddled... if he's swaddled, he doesn't like his hands tucked in. He loves his baths and his morning exercise. One of my favorite tender moment with Lorenz was when I had to finish homework and he was being fussy. I whispered into his ear that mommy needs to finish some homework, and if he let me finish my homework, we will have more time to cuddle. Almost immediately, he just fell asleep and slept for the next 3 hours.
Lorenz loves spending time with daddy. They cuddle as soon as Carl gets home from work. Lorenz is all over Carl once Carl is home. Carl has done some evening shifts, but since he has to leave early for work everyday, its usually my mom or me. But he can definitely change a diaper and feed the baby.
Because I had very little milk, I would often feel frustrated and feel bad for myself and Lorenz. Carl would always remind me that I don't have to be hard on myself - I just need to be the mom I know how for the moment. One day at a time. I felt like because I was being away from Lorenz on most days and he spends more time with my mom, he wouldn't form a bond with me. I struggled to believe in my capacity to be a good mother.
I've questioned my plans about school and a career. Its never easy. I've never second guessed myself for so many things before. But just holding Lorenz close to me makes things better. When he falls asleep in my arms, he clings to me like he doesn't want to let go. Day after day, he shows more and more of his personality and we are loving it. Lorenz is worth all the wait. I guess the Lord sent us Lorenz so we can really ask how much we can give, how much we can love, how much of ourselves are we willing to impart. At this point in my life, as a mother and a wife, I wish things about mothering and parenthood in general could be more plain and simple. While it is not at this time, I've decided to love Lorenz with every part of myself everyday of my life, whether I'm with him or not.
