thoughts on Motherhood

When I was a freshman in college, a friend who was then a senior asked me what I see myself as in the next five to ten years. I was then only 16, only a few weeks out from the comforts of my parent's home, living on my own with strangers and trying to figure out how to survive college. I paused, and told her, "I plan on attending law school, practice law, and hopefully be married by the time I'm 25. And maybe I'll have 1 kid." I paused again, and then said, "And when I start to have kids, I'm willing to drop everything else."

Yes, my thoughts about being a mother has been that bold ever since. I have always dreamed of becoming a mother, of raising happy and healthy children. I always knew that I will have children... until I was told that maybe I will not. I was 24, I've been married two years, and our attempts at conceiving has been in vain. The doctor explained to me why... and I tried to understand, but I was more angry at my body than anything else. I was made to be a mother... my body is designed to bear children and my divine calling is to be a mother. Why does it have to be difficult?

Fast forward two years later. After numerous tests, bottles of pills, and monthly exams, I found out I was going to be a mother. As my body changed over the course of nine months, and even after that as I went through labor and finally giving birth to Lorenz... my heart has been shaped in many ways.

I am lucky to have my mother beside me all the way. She held my hand, like she always has, and assured me I was strong and able and worthy to be a mother to my son. Years ago, when I said "I'll drop everything" once I start having children, I might have meant quitting professionally and committing to stay at home with my children. At the present time, I have found that "dropping everything" has a lot more meaning to it. It means functioning on less sleep because of night feedings, teething troubles, crying in the middle of the night because of nightmares, congestion, and throw-ups. It means letting go of some housekeeping details when it used to drive me crazy that the closet is not organized by wardrobe length and color. It means working on school work late at night through the wee hours of the morning. It means taking a shower at 2:00 in the afternoon. It means getting sticky with baby food and rice and sauce all over you, the table, and the floor. It means giving up a lot of things, for things that matter more  - like playtime with Lorenz, reading a book with him, making sure he's fed and always healthy, seeing to it that he's breathing well and can sleep through the night in the middle of his bout with the awful could.

I am blessed to have a partner in raising this little boy. I am grateful for Carl and for all that he does to make motherhood a beautiful thing for me. We are not perfect, and we are doing this by trial and error. But I won't have motherhood any other way.

For mothers' day, the boys treated me with some pampering foot spa, some shopping indulgences, and seafood lunch. But more than whatever material gifts these boys shower me, I will be forever grateful to them for making my dream of being a mother come true. In reality, motherhood is not easy. And I get overwhelmed sometimes. But if I look back to the time when I thought I would never get this chance, I find myself in a better place than anywhere I've ever been in the last 29 years of my life.

of April Sunshine, Easter Eggs, and a Picture on a Magazine

We welcomed April with excitement as the weather got warmer and days got longer. Lorenz, who is now walking like a boss, is soaking up in the sun at the play ground every chance he gets. He's become more social, waving hi to every kid he sees. Our apartment building doesn't have a playground, so we usually go to the nearby quad so Lorenz can play. Most parents let their kids leave some of their toys like shovels and pails and balls and other outdoor toys outside, sort of like kids can share the toys. Because of that, I don't have to bring a bunch of outdoor toys  for Lorenz for when he gets bored with the slides.

We've also been playing with cousins when we get the chance to visit each other. Lorenz loves to play with Keana and Wil at the park.

Our ward hosted an Easter Egg Hunt for the little kids, and Lorenz had a blast filling up his pail with eggs. Over 600 eggs were scattered all over the softball field, but with all the kids in attendance, we were advised to make sure our kids only get a maximum of 10 eggs. Even with limits, the little guy kept picking an egg after another. They also had bounce houses, one for the bigger kids and one for the little toddlers. Lorenz was hesitant at first, with the whole thing bouncing and the kids got all crazy jumping, but he soon discovered it was so much fun!

At the beginning of April, we went to Salt Lake City to attend General Conference. Knowing that we have a little boy who doesn't really like sitting still through church meetings, Carl and I knew we needed to make do so we can listen to the talks, or at least some of them. We decided to listen at the Tabernacle and took turns. As I walked out of the doors, I saw a photographer taking a photo of Lorenz. I think Lorenz was fascinated with his camera and so the little guy kept following him. After a little while, another photographer took photos of Lorenz while he was playing with the flower beds. On our way home, Carl told me two other photographers took Lorenz's photos while I was inside. These photographers take thousands of photos over the course of 3 days, which they then use on the General Conference issue of the Church magazines. We weren't asked to sign any release waiver of any sort, so we can give them permission to use Lorenz's photos, so we didn't really expect to see this:

Spot the little guy!

We weren't even subscribed to The Friend, the church's magazine for little children, and so we didn't see this until one of our neighbors posted a link on our facebook page (Thanks Emma!). So we secured a copy and put in his book to remind him how lucky he is, and that he should always stand on "holy grounds."

The Big Apple Adventure

Oh yes we did! We visited New York City!!!

Thanks to my sister-in-law who works for JetBlue, we were able to fly to New York City at a fraction of the cost. We were "stand by" passengers - so it was a waiting game everytime, but if you get a seat on the flight its all worth it. Flying to NYC was a little smoother than flying back to Salt Lake, but now we know how it works so we are better prepared if we decide to fly on stand by again.

Like I said, if you get a seat on the flight, its worth it - and it totally was!

We first spent the night in Long Beach, which is JetBlue's hub in the west coast. The morning after we flew out of LAX to JFK. It was a 6 hour flight, and Lorenz slept for the first 4 hours. YAY! And then he was just tired and cranky and wanted to walk around, good thing the lady seated next to us was very patient and played with Lorenz. Trivia: She was in LA visiting her son's family. Her son's wife is Filipina. No wonder she kept saying Lorenz looked very similar to her grandson.

So touchdown New York! We made it. We had reservations at the Marriott Spring Hill Suites near the airport. Two nights stay - for free! Thanks Marriott points!!! We didn't rent a car. We always took the hotel shuttle to and from the Airtrain which took us to Jamaica Station were we caught the E train that took us downtown. Hello subway!

I really don't like big cities... so visiting and going around New York sort of freaked me out. (Plus watching too much Law and Order: SVU doesn't help). But Carl is a city boy and he just blended right in. Our first night we dined at Hard Rock Cafe. It was cool because they had a lot of music memorabilia in their lobby so you don't really feel like you've been waiting for a table forever. We enjoyed it for the most part. When we got out the door after dinner we were surprised at how bright it still was considering it was almost 9pm already... surprise surprise all the bright lights and marquees and screens are on! Seriously, they call New York the city that never sleeps for a good reason.

The following day, we left the hotel early to go back downtown to check off a couple of things in our list. For Carl - it was the Statue of Liberty. He wasn't gonna visit New York City if he doesn't get the chance to see the Lady. So we took the ferry from Battery Park that took us to Liberty Island where Lady Liberty lives. When you visit the island, you can purchase three kinds of tickets - the most affordable one gives you access to the park and grounds. Then there's the other two where you can either go up to the base, or go all the way to the crown. Both tickets are reservations only and cost a little much. Carl was willing to pay a little extra but reservations were full. So we got ground access and took lots of pictures.

We spent a good hour and a half (maybe) on the island. We boarded another ferry that will bring us back to New York, but it stops at Ellis Island first. I wanted to get off the ferry to check the place out - the place got history and I'm sucker for those. But that would mean another hour in the island and waiting for another ferry so we stayed on board and headed straight back to New York.

Our next stop was Central Park. We took the R train and got off downtown (I forgot which street) and then walked straight to Central Park. It was HUGE and we didn't have time to go around it at that point. So I just had to take a picture by a bridge over water. Well - this (picture on the left) was at a bridge by the pond, so yeah - check!







We were tired and exhausted and cold and our feet were sore from all the walking, but we had a lot of fun... . The little guy couldn't be bothered either. He also had fun, I think!

We decided to head back to the hotel early since we were going to try to fly out early the next day. But again, we were flying stand by, so we could only hope for the best. We ended up getting seats on the last flight of the day (9pm), which took us to Denver, where we stayed the night at the airport. We bought tickets and flew out of Denver to Salt Lake City. It was quite an adventure, especially with a little kid. With the logistics of feeding and keeping the little guy entertained and calm and well-behaved - it was a feat. But in the end, we made the trip count and we have fun memories to keep!

Un-hibernating

We've been very busy... while we've been stuck in the apartment most of the time because of freezing temperatures outside, we're still feeling how fast time flies and we can barely catch up.

Lorenz has slowly learned to make little steps. He's constantly fascinated with his balls and his little basketball ring is being put to good use. He is still crazy about books, and he now knows when a book is upside down. He loves his playtime with Carl, which, is very early in the morning. Although we think he's transitioning now. He used to wake up at around 4:30 or 5:00 in the morning, drinks 4 ounces of milk, play with Carl, drink another 4 ounces of milk at 6:00 then goes back to sleep for another 2 hours. Now, he wakes up at around 6:30 (yes, the morning the playtime with dad is now a thing of the past), drinks his milk and goes back to sleep and wakes up at around 9:30. That means his morning nap is a thing of the past too. He still takes naps in the afternoon though, sometimes 2 to 3 hours. We can't wait for the weather to get warmer so we can go outside and play. Our apartment has gotten smaller for Lorenz's liking, especially now that he's starting to walk.

As for me, I am swamped with work. I need to get my qualifying exam requirements done and I have a couple of proposals to wrap up in preparation for a family studies conference in Maryland come November. I used to be able to get a lot done even during the day because Lorenz naps in the morning and in the afternoon. Also, he used to be content with playing in his little corner in my office while I work. But now, he's gone all curious and want to be on my lap as soon as I turn my computer on. He now DEMANDS an active playmate so I can't just put him on his playpen like I used to. Sometimes, I feel really bad about me working... mommy guilt I guess. One time, he just sat on the other side of the closed door and kept "knocking" until he cried out of frustration because I wouldn't come out. This was even when Carl was playing with him in the living room. It is also frustrating on my side, and it breaks my heart to choose work/school over him on some occasions. If only my choices were easier. I have a year and a half left in school. That means I'm almost done with school "for good", but that also means I have so much stuff to get done in the next 15 months. But, we're almost there - almost.

Carl has a lighter load at work now, by that I mean it's not as intense as it was when he did mormon.org. His tasks are a little bit different now. On the side, he's got more time for his hobbies. Their band, Postcard Rail, had a couple of performances the past couple of weeks. They have a new vocalist since Stephanie has left for her mission. They don't have new compositions right now, but they have great covers and their new vocalist Marie has an amazing voice and has great showmanship - she's like a concert in a little body. Carl's gotten more confident too, up on stage. And he just got a new bass which he is all giddy about!


As a family, we've tried a couple of things together. Lorenz has been good when eating out. We took him with us on our Valentine's date at Red Lobster and he was quite cooperative he let us finish our meal. I mean, he's eating the same kind food we're having so he's having a blast too. We took him to the cinemas, for the first time, so we can watch the much talked about Frozen... but we decided to leave half-way through the movie out of respect for the other viewers. We asked for a refund which the cinema granted and even thanked us for our courtesy. We tried it again a couple of weeks later, we watched the Lego Movie and he was better and we actually finished the whole movie - no interruptions! Yay for us! We also went snow tubing at Soldier Hollow in Midway. It was really fun... of course we didn't bring Lorenz with us up top and we took turns with my sister in law and her husband watching Lorenz, but they had "baby" tubes at the bottom of the hill with a little bumpy sliding area for the little ones and Lorenz absolutely loved it. We also visited the Ice Castles, also in Midway. It was really cool especially at night because the ice sculptures were lit up it felt magical. We were just a little bummed out because their "Frozen" display with Olaf in it was not there anymore. We asked what happened to the display and one of the "builders" told us the display got ruined because of a sprinkler accident - like Olaf got wet and re-froze disfigured. Yeah, bummer. But it was fun overall!

Lorenz is 1!

December 29, 2012
Stats:
Weight - 8 lbs 4 oz
Length - 21 inches

December 29, 2013
Stats:
Weight - 20 lbs
Length - 30 inches

Our little one is now 1! 

Favorite food: rice, chicken, fish, potatoes, green peas, sweet potato, sayote, cereal, bread, animal crackers, POG juice, milk

Favorite activities: peek-a-boo, bath time, pass the ball, "reading", blowfishes

Favorite toys: ball, board books, trucks, musical toys, blocks, OUR PHONES & LAPTOPS

Playmates: Travis, PaulWil, Ate Keana, Mommy & Daddy

Words: Diddy, Mama, BuBye, Bo (Ball), How (Hello), Mam (Eat), Wow, Wooh, Yeah

2013 in Review

2013 has been a roller coaster ride for our little family. There were a lot of learning and leaping. Sometimes we had to learn the hard way, and leap with just pure faith, for the most part.

Carl and I learned how to raise a little boy - one day at a time. It does help that he is absolutely ADORABLE, especially on long days and sleepless nights. But we are super in love with him - HE IS OUR SUNSHINE! He surely made the past year interesting. Watching him reach his milestones and see him grow from teeny tiny human being to becoming a little person was incredible. Those sleepless nights caused by teething were all worth it when we saw his first tooth come out. We now miss the days when we had to carry and cuddle him all the time, because now he knows how to escape our cuddles so he can crawl and cruise and play. It melted our hearts when he first babbled "MAMA" and "DIDDY", and he first waved his hand to say "BU-BYE". Now all he wants is his "BO" (ball). 

As for Carl and I, we celebrated our 5TH YEAR OF MARRIAGE. Congratulations to us! It has been an adventure being married to each other - we've been through all levels of school since we married, lived in 5 apartments in 4 cities in 3 states, had a baby, and dealt with foreign bureaucracy as Visa holders in the United States to top it all. Planning for our future has been a lot of brainstorming and having a lot of back-up plans. To celebrate our milestone, we went to SeaWorld in San Diego. It was our first time flying with Lorenz, and it was a really fun experience. We discovered that Lorenz was a really good little traveler! We enjoyed the dolphins and seals, and the Pacific Ocean. Carl turned 29 and I turned 27. Carl transferred from Mormon.org to CUBS (Church Unit Banking System), and I got started with my doctoral dissertation.

That was 2013 in a nutshell, in monthly detail...

JANUARY. We started the year with a new baby. I was supposed to give birth to Lorenz on January 2nd, but he arrived 4 days early. It was a whole new experience, and we were blessed to have the help and expertise of my mom as we maneuvered our way into neophyte parenthood.

FEBRUARY. We took a trip to Los Angeles to send-off my in-laws to the Philippines. They've been in the US since October of 2012 to visit us. We were so blessed to have them close to us even for a while, and it made my birth to Lorenz even more special with her two grandmothers present as he arrived. While in LA, we took the chance to take my mom around, and our friends also got the chance to meet Lorenz for the first time.

MARCH. Carl started his new job assignment. He had a great time being with the Mormon.org team, but It was really great while it lasted. He really worked hard as a project manager for Mormon.org, working late and long nights with translations and coding and coordinating with local area teams  from different countries. He transferred to CUBS and he found it exciting to learn the IT side of the Church's finances.

APRIL. It's General Conference time again, and it was such a blessing that my mom was able to attend it for the first time. We were edified and fed with the spiritual nourishment we needed. It was also Lorenz's first time in Temple Square. While we weren't able to sit down and focus on the talks, we still felt the spirit and the importance of having modern-day revelations to guide us in these latter-days.

MAY. My FIRST MOTHERS' DAY ever! It felt so surreal. For the longest time, Mothers' day felt like a non-holiday - and we are just making do because afterall I was going to be a mom someday. But this time, I was a MOTHER - and we celebrated it with my mom and relatives and friends. Also, it was time to say goodbye to my mom whose been a very big help to us for the first couple of months of being new parents. We've learned a lot from her, and it was heartbreaking to see her kiss Lorenz goodbye. But it was time for her to go back to my dad and to be with my siblings after 5 months of being away.

JUNE. SUMMER is finally in the air! We spent almost every Saturday at the waterpark and Lorenz always had a blast. Lorenz had his half-birthday and it was really fun seeing him learn new things as he becomes more and more of his own person. He started eating solids and he loved sweet potatoes, applesauce, squash, and peas. He also started TRYING TO CRAWL, but doesn't really crawl - he just stays in his funny crawling position and then falls on his tummy. He's fallen in love with his books and loves flipping their pages. We also celebrated Carl's FIRST FATHERS' DAY - and we treated him with my homemade fall off the bones BBQ Ribs!

JULY. Carl turned 29 - and we ate a lot of meat! We had a feast at Tucanos where Carl has a free birthday meal. We played mini-golf... and ate some more at Joe's Crab Shack. Yes we love to eat! We also treated Carl's team with pizza. One of Carl's birthday wishes was - another baby. Technically, not a tough gift to give, but we'll have to work on that ;)

AUGUST. I turned 27 and We turned 5. I started loving my birthdays more since I've been married to Carl. It was certainly a very smart move for Carl to set our wedding date on the day before my birthday. I am for sure super spoiled on my birthdays. Our first year, he took to me to Universal Studios. Our second year, he booked a really fancy hotel. Our third year, he let me redecorate our apartment. Our fourth year, he treated me to the Canyons in Park City. For our fifth year, he took our family to SeaWorld in San Diego and treated me to an amazing seafood dinner in Mira Mesa! I love my birthdays - and I love being Mrs. Canlas!

SEPTEMBER. We visited the Philippines as a family for the first time. It was a trip that was an exciting trip that tested our faith and patience in many different ways. Our primary purpose was to renew our visas at the US Embassy in Manila. Secondary to that was so that most of our families can meet our little boy. After we got our visas renewed, we made sure we were able to spend quality time with our families. Our visit was filled with eating out a lot (of seafood, Jollibee, and Chowking), touring places, and having little adventures here and there. 3 weeks went by really fast, but at least we are now in a position where we can visit the Philippines whenever circumstances allow (at least in the next 3 years).

OCTOBER. Settling back in our old routine after our quick 3 weeks in the Philippines was quite a challenge. Lorenz has grown so much, and had difficulty adjusting to the cold weather. It has gotten really cold while we were away. Lorenz had an ear infection, which was awful as it happened as four new teeth erupted in his gums. Poor little thing. But, he's cruising more and was absolutely cute in his Wolverine costume on Halloween!

NOVEMBER. We had a lot of things to be grateful for and we certainly enjoyed Thanksgiving. We spent a weekend in Seattle with friends and Lorenz had a blast with his best bud Travis. We stayed at Homewood Suites and had Thanksgiving Dinner there. We also went around Seattle and visited some tourist spots. We really enjoyed being at the Space Needle. I felt like I fell in love more with Grey's Anatomy (my latest TV drama fix) now that I've been in Seattle. It was a long and exhausting drive to and from Seattle but we had a great Thanksgiving weekend.

DECEMBER. The year is finally coming to a close - 2013 went by super fast. It's Lorenz's first Christmas and he is TURNING ONE! He can now walk while we hold his hands. He's learned a few tricks here and there, like putting his hand on his ear when he hears the phone ring. He can also climb up the couch now, climb down the bed, and go up and down the stairs. Oh, and he's learned how to DANCE! He received a fleece blanket (that I made for him) for Christmas, among a couple other things that we got him (a backpack, a suit set, and of course new pajamas and a beanie). On his birthday, he got a little tikes basketball court and he was in heaven saying "bo" and trying to shoot the ball in the ring!

So that was 2013 for us! It was eventful and exciting, and definitely an adventure. We are looking forward to a new year with hope, love, and happiness!

These are all the many changes in our lives

I've never really understood the meaning of change until Lorenz came into our lives. The moment I held him in my arms, everything became DIFFERENT - in a good way... it was overwhelming, and Carl and I are lost for words to describe all the changes we have gone through as we transitioned from being a couple to being parents.

Lorenz's naming and blessing - January 6th 2013

While the first couple of days were a combination of excitement and exhaustion, we are blessed to have a very nice little boy. For the most part, he was a good sleeper. The first week at home was very challenging. He wouldn't latch and although I had very little milk, I tried to express as much as I could so he could get some nourishment from me. My mom was a very big blessing. Having her around made all the difference. Carl went back to work two days after we got home from the hospital. I had two weeks to recover before I went back to school for winter semester.It was a roller coaster. When I had class, Lorenz would sleep with my mom the night before. I was literally split between doing homework/research and wanting to spend time with my little boy. There were days when I questioned myself - whether I should just quit school and be a mom. But it wasn't as simple as that, although I hoped it was.

Lorenz, on most days, is an easy kid. He likes being held and cuddled and he loves to listen to lullabyes. He's got his little personality that is just so easy to fall in love with. He doesn't like to be swaddled... if he's swaddled, he doesn't like his hands tucked in. He loves his baths and his morning exercise. One of my favorite tender moment with Lorenz was when I had to finish homework and he was being fussy. I whispered into his ear that mommy needs to finish some homework, and if he let me finish my homework, we will have more time to cuddle. Almost immediately, he just fell asleep and slept for the next 3 hours.

Lorenz loves spending time with daddy. They cuddle as soon as Carl gets home from work. Lorenz is all over Carl once Carl is home. Carl has done some evening shifts, but since he has to leave early for work everyday, its usually my mom or me. But he can definitely change a diaper and feed the baby. 

Because I had very little milk, I would often feel frustrated and feel bad for myself and Lorenz. Carl would always remind me that I don't have to be hard on myself - I just need to be the mom I know how for the moment. One day at a time. I felt like because I was being away from Lorenz on most days and he spends more time with my mom, he wouldn't form a bond with me. I struggled to believe in my capacity to be a good mother. 

I've questioned my plans about school and a career. Its never easy. I've never second guessed myself for so many things before. But just holding Lorenz close to me makes things better. When he falls asleep in my arms, he clings to me like he doesn't want to let go. Day after day, he shows more and more of his personality and we are loving it. Lorenz is worth all the wait. I guess the Lord sent us Lorenz so we can really ask how much we can give, how much we can love, how much of ourselves are we willing to impart. At this point in my life, as a mother and a wife, I wish things about mothering and parenthood in general could be more plain and simple. While it is not at this time, I've decided to love Lorenz with every part of myself everyday of my life, whether I'm with him or not.

the birth story

I gave birth exactly a week ago, December 29th, 2012 at 12:31 pm. It was a long and hard labor... and I will try to make the long story short - but if you still find it rather long - remember that you have been warned - and to start things off, and so that you would understand the lengthiness of this post - I WAS IN LABOR FOR 30 LONG HOURS...

December 28th

4:00 am. I woke up because I felt like my insides were being pulled apart. The kind of uncomfortable sensation you feel when you are having bad cramps during your period. I observed myself for 30 minutes, the sensation would come and go, but I didn't time the intervals. I woke up my mom, and she told me to time it. The interval was around every 5 minutes. They weren't very strong, but they were certainly uncomfortable. After an hour, she asked me if I wanted to wake Carl up. I said I'd rather she didn't yet. I did not want to cause a commotion - with everybody in the house, I didn't want a chaotic run to the hospital.

6:00 am. The contractions (yes, this was when I decided to call the uncomfortable sensation contractions) were getting stronger but were still around 5 minutes apart. Still, I didn't tell Carl. This would be Carl's first day back at work after the holidays, but he has to drop off his parents, his sister and her husband at Jasmine's in Draper before heading to the office. I went to the bathroom and I had a bloody show. I told Carl I've been timing my contractions, but I don't think its time to go the hospital yet. I told him not to tell anyone yet, and I will call him when it is DEFINITELY time. And so they left

7:30 am. I called Carl and told him we might have to go to the hospital already. He might have to turn around and return to Provo. He called again while I was in the shower and my mom convinced him to turn around. Carl arrived home an hour later and we drove to the hospital which was 10 minutes away from our place. It was bitterly cold outside. The snow was almost knee deep and it started to snow again. 

9:00 am. We checked in at the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center here in Provo and I was told to change into the "glamorous" hospital gown and a nurse would soon be in to check me. The nurse came in and put two monitors in my belly - one for the baby's heart beat and one for my contractions. She checked how dilated I was - I was dilated to 2.5 centimeters and 85% effaced. They monitored me for two hours. When I had a contraction, I dilated to 3 centimeters. The nurse told me I was in active labor, but it was still in the early stage and I was not progressing fast. She decided to call Dr. Dabling at 11:00 am. Dr. Dabling gave me two options. First, I can stay in the hospital and walk around there for another hour so they can still monitor my labor's progress. Second, I can leave the hospital and take walks somewhere else and they gave me an option to receive morphine so I can tolerate the progressing pain - that way when the pain overrides the morphine, I will know that I REALLY need to run back to the hospital. Carl and I talked about our options and decided to take OPTION 2, without the morphine. And so we were discharged at 11:30, we headed home and I ate A LOT of pasta my mom made.

1:00 pm. I took a nap. Occasionally, I'd call Carl in to the room so he could massage my back when my contractions were really strong and painful. It wasn't really a full nap. My mom gave me a mani-pedi at around 3:00 pm. All the while we were on speakerphone with my aunt Jen who lives in Texas. I was timing my contractions. I was getting worried because the interval was averaging 7 minutes. Weren't they supposed to be getting closer to each other?

5:00 pm. After dinner, I decided I was ready to take walks. We went around the 2nd and 3rd floors of the Wilkinson Center maybe 3 or 4 times, taking the stairs everytime! Everytime I descended the stairs, I would get a contraction - a big strong awfully painful one. But, heck, I went up and down and around the Wilk in the name of labor. I decided I was tired and ready to go home at around 7:00 pm. On our way home, I changed my mind. I wanted to give walking another chance and so we headed to the mall and walked for another hour. My contractions were probably still 5 or 7 minutes apart. But they were growing stronger. We headed home at around 8:00 pm.

9:00 pm. My mom went online to talk to my dad. I took another shower. I asked for a bowl of beef ramen. My contractions were getting really strong and they seemed to get closer together. I had to stop eating my ramen everytime I had a contraction, I cannot even hold my bowl. I asked my dad to pray. He wouldn't. He asked my mom to turn off the webcam because he couldn't stand seeing me in pain. I went to our room and would stand and lean over the wall everytime there was a contraction. BOY IT WAS AWFULLY PAINFUL, I had to catch my breath everytime. I didn't have to time it, it was obvious that I was having a contraction every 2 - 3 minutes. At around 9:30, I told Carl we would head to the hospital at 10 pm if it gets worse. My mom hit the shower. We started preparing to go to the hospital. I couldn't even dress myself or put on my boots on my own because of pain. We left for the hospital at 5 minutes past 10. It was dark, cold, and slippery outside - and I had maybe 4 contractions on our way to the hospital.

10:30 pm. We were back where we started almost 12 hours ago. After check-in procedures, I was once again strapped with the monitors for my contractions and for baby's heartbeat. The nurse asked me what my plans were for pain management. I said I'd wait out the epidural and I'll ask for it when I can't tolerate it anymore. I was 4 centimeters dilated 90% effaced with a bulgy bag. I was formally ADMITTED. Note to self - I have been in labor for 18 hours. When she said I had a bulgy bag, I thought to myself, well maybe this will be over in another 6 hours and I won't ask for the epidural after all.

December 29th.

1:00 am. My in-laws arrived. I only allowed my mother-in-law to be in the room though. My father-in-law and Jasmine stayed at the cafeteria (the whole time I was in labor). My mother-in-law reminded me the breathing techniques to help with the pain. They were helpful for the most part. I asked for my music to help me calm down. My mother-in-law tried to help me visualize calming thoughts, but they didn't help very much. The music calmed me down a little... but the pain was still strong. The nurse came in to check me again. My legs were shaking after she examined me... I was 6 centimeters dilated and was fully effaced. She asked me if I wanted the epidural. I said not yet. Although, I was already debating in my head. Can I get through this without any pain medication? I guessed it depends on how this is going to be. I asked the nurse how long she thinks I am going to be in labor for. She said she had no clue. Its been 22 hours. The pain was becoming more and more unbearable with each contraction. I talked to Carl and we decided I'll ask for the epidural if within the hour my dilation doesn't progress fast enough for me to convince myself that I can go through the labor and delivery medication-free.

2:00 am. I rest my case. I told myself I am not coward by asking for the epidural. I have told myself many times that my mother did it three times and gave birth to huge babies and she came out of it alive. That wasn't going to be my story at that point. Carl told the nurse I WANTED the epidural. The anesthesiologist was in the room in no time. I thought I needed to sit still but they just asked me to roll to my side and crunch myself like a ball. Next thing I know, they were numbing my back, and the doctor was looking for the right spot to insert that long needle for the epidural. This was the time I removed my eyeglasses. Without my glasses, I am almost blind and can only see silhouettes unless you are really near my sight. So I didn't see anything they were doing to me from that point on. After receiving the epidural, I started shaking - more shivering. I was told those were because of the hormones. They inserted a catheter on me so I can pee without having to stand up. I could still feel the pressure of each contraction but the pain was gone. I wasn't yelling in pain anymore. I felt relieved. I felt like I did the right thing.

4:00 am. I was 7 centimeters dilated and fully effaced. Its been 24 hours! My bulgy bag did not break on its own. This was when we got our first surprise - Dr. Dabling will not be the one to deliver my baby.Dr. Dabling was out of town and the doctor on call was Dr. Glenn. So the call was directed to him. Not that we didn't want Dr. Glenn delivering my baby, its just that we were expecting Dr. Dabling up to this point. Anyway, Dr. Glenn's first order of business was to have my water bag broken hoping that that would hasten my progress. After an hour, I was dilated to 7 centimeters. Dr. Glenn's next goal: determine how strong my contractions were so he could decide whether or not I needed a dose of pitocin.

6:00 am. Two hours after my bag was broken, I only progressed to 7.5 centimeters. Dr. Glenn told the nurse it was already necessary to insert an intrauterine contraction monitoring device in me so that they can determine how strong my contractions were and decide whether pitocin will be helpful or not. I guess since I already had a catheter in, Carl was a little bit apprehensive about another device being inserted in my body. But my nurse patiently explained why it was necessary. And so they inserted the IUC and based on the strength of my contractions, they gave me a dose of pitocin. After that, I progressed a lot faster. Next thing I know, Dr. Glenn was in the room and he was the one doing the internal exam. That was my cue - I know that once the doctor enters the scene, the ordeal is almost over.

8:00 am (maybe). I haven't had much sleep and I felt hungry and I was almost blind since I was not wearing my glasses so I wasn't really sure what time it was. But I know it was morning already. Carl and our moms already had breakfast. As for me, I've been having strawberry-coconut flavored ice chips for the last 10 hours. Then came the 2nd surprise. Dr. Glenn checked checked me and confirmed that my baby was in a "sunny-side up." My little boy was in posterior position meaning he was head down but was facing up. Based on Dr. Glenn's assessment, including the baby's size and my pelvis's size, I might have to prepare myself for a cesarean delivery. Its not impossible to deliver the baby vaginally even if he was posterior, but it will be very difficult. Unlike breach babies, doctors cannot turn posterior babies... the baby has turn around himself. If he doesn't, Dr. Glenn might have to cut me open. At that point, I will not say that I was afraid... but I had faith. I guess I had the most faith than at any point in my life - that the baby will turn. I asked Carl for a blessing and our moms said their silent prayers in their hearts. Carl and I talked to our son, and we made our first request to our child that morning. Soon after the nurses came into the room and they told me they will try to help turn the baby. The rolled me on my side and lifted my other leg and I was to assume that position for at least 30 minutes. They rolled me on the other side 30 minutes later. They told me doing that usually worked. I prayed in my heart that it would. But I also prayed that if it wouldn't, Heavenly Father will help me deliver the baby safely.

9:30 am. Dr. Glenn came back to the room. Another internal exam. Surprise number 3 - but more so - a MIRACLE. I was 9 centimeters dilated, and the baby has turned his head. Dr. Glenn told me I have a very obedient little boy... and now it was time to PUSH. I can sort of see staff wheeling in stuff in the room. I guess that was it. I started pushing at 10:00 am.

10:00 am. The nurse told me what to do - I had to crunch up my legs, hold it, and push like I was letting go of a big hard poop when she tells me push - and hold that push for 10 seconds at a time. We would do that for every contraction. Carl was by my head and he was counting aloud for me. My mom was helping me hold my one leg and my mother-in-law was on the other leg with the nurse and they would alternate. By the way, the epidural was starting to wear off. After an hour of pushing, it seemed like I wasn't pushing strong enough for my boy to crown. Dr. Glenn ordered to turn off the epidural. Even when he didn't, I was already feeling my legs anyway. Sometimes, I could push really hard. Sometimes, I would almost lose my breath. But feeling everything surely helped me push a little harder. Carl suddenly ran to the end of the bed and yelled, "Hon, I can see his hair, I can see his hair!" That was my signal to push harder. I knew I was bleeding a lot. The nurse would change the pad every 5 contractions or so and I can see it soaked in blood. And then I felt it - something hard was trying to get out of my body... I was so worried I'd poop. I told my mom I felt like I needed to poop. She said, "nope, that's the baby's head."

I've lost track of time. I was told to stop pushing until the doctor tells me to push again. It seemed like forever for Dr. Glenn to arrive in the room. Then Dr. Glenn was at the end of the bed and he told me he would have to do an episiotomy. Another doctor came in to give me some pain medication I guess for the episiotomy.  Dr. Glenn told me to push real hard when he tells me to because if I don't he might have to forcep Lorenz out of my body. I don't really know how many times I had to push until this warm, bloody, huge little body was in my chest. It was 12:31 pm. Lorenz is finally here. Dr. Glenn asked Carl if he wanted to cut the baby's umbilical cord. Carl said yes... but I guess he got a little nervous and asked Dr. Glenn to finish the job. I can sort of see Dr. Glenn stitching me up, but I decided to look at the nurses cleaning up my baby. They gave him back to me so I can hold him before they take him to the nursery for further cleaning and for some newborn screening. I was holding our son - Lorenz - he weighed 8 pounds 4.4 ounces and he was 21 inches long. He was ours... he is finally here... it was the longest 32 hours of my life... but when I held him in my arms - all the pain was gone, and I've never felt stronger in my life. 

Daddy, Lorenz, and Me... 

hello world...

Christmas has come and gone and I'm still pregnant

Christmas Eve 2012

I don't really have much energy to talk about the holidays - and you might know the reason why. I am not really complaining about being pregnant - I mean, looking at the bright side, I have a few couple more weeks to be completely "alone" with Carl - when the Lorenz arrives, its never gonna be just us again. But when sleeping becomes a task and walking around makes you breathless, I guess I can complain once in a while.

On Christmas eve, we had dinner at our place and we were full. Carl's sister Lei and her husband were also in town. It was fun, but I was exhausted. We opened gifts and we got plenty! We received gifts from each family and so there was plenty of gifts to unwrap. For our family, I received a new hoodie from Carl and a really yummy smelling perfume! I got Carl a new white shirt, wallet, and a bottle of Lacoste Pure. And we got Lorenz (we wrapped a gift for him just in case he arrived before Christmas) a cuddly ball!

Our loot for the holidays!

Anyway, so Christmas has come and gone and I am still pregnant. Actually, my father-in-law's birthday has come and gone too. Today is my mother-in-law's birthday and still Lorenz is inside my belly. We've been guesstimating Lorenz's arrival but it turns out everyone's guess is only as good as the other person. We are still hoping I give birth before the year ends so that I have more time to recover since I will be back in school right after the holiday break. Yesterday, I was at the doctors again and I was 2.5 cm dilated and 85% effaced. Wow - not a lot of progress really! I guess I am going to reach my due date - which is not bad at all, since January 2nd is my dad's birthday. But my guesstimate is also as good as anyone else's so - I guess we'll just have to wait and see!