We're Proud of Our Brothers

Carl and I are very proud siblings of these two very smart boys..

Carl's youngest brother James graduated Valedictorian from St. Leonard Academy in Paranaque. He was also awarded Best in Math. James will be attending college at the Polytechnic University of the Philippines come June, and he will be majoring in computer science. Way to go James!!! Kuya Carl and I are very proud of you!

My younger brother Jave Yken graduated among the top of his class and received his Bachelor's degree in Nursing from Easter Colleges in Baguio City. He was also given a Varsity award for playing in the school's basketball team.

Yken will start his review classes this April in preparation for the Nursing Licensure Exam in July. While doing so, he is also processing his mission papers and is preparing to leave right after he takes his boards.

Carl and I are very proud of our brothers. They have both studied very diligently and they were blessed for their hard work.

Congratulations James and we hope you have fun in college!

To Yken, we wish you all the best and we welcome you to the bigger world!!!

We love you both!!!

Date Night and Twilight

My awesome husband Carl surprised me last week when he came home from work. After he left the office, he dropped by the Walmart Supercenter to get an oil change for our car. When he got home, he asked me, "do you want to go to a Twilight Party this Saturday?" More than surprised, I was intrigued. Carl understands my enthusiasm with Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, in fact he gifted me with the books for Christmas. So, anyway, I thought he was joking because I had just been reading the books again for he nth time. But he was serious...because Twilight Saga cast members were making an appearance at the Riverton Walmart for the Midnight Release of the Twilight Saga: New Moon DVD.

So Friday was date night - he was so patient with me, and he endured all the girlish cheesiness of the fans. I guess he was surprised too, to see young girls, young ladies, young moms, old moms, and SOME boys at the party! LOL. The cast members came out at about past 10pm and they sent the crowd screaming in excitement. Christian Serratos (Angela Weber), Michael Welch (Mike Newton), and Justin Chon (Eric Yorkie), who played Bella's high school friends in the movie, were there to sign New Moon DVDs for the first 300 fans. Too bad, we were probably the 3000th fan to get there...with all those Twilight moms and their daughters already lined up since lunch time, I would still be the 1000th fan to arrive even if I came at 3pm.

But anyway, Carl completed my Twilight DVDs so far... and he watched them with me. He'd actually grown an appreciation for it after he saw how the movie was made - from conceptualization down to post-production. He actually said, we might probably see Eclipse at an IMAX Theatre!!! I am so excited for June 30th!!

I love you Hon - Twilight or no Twilight!!! :)

when it rains, it pours

FEBRUARY 2010

While Carl was out of a job, he sent out countless resumes to prospective employers. When he accepted the job offer from Silla Automitive, he was still waiting for word from 2 other companies. One was a healthcare company in Los Angeles, and the other one was from The Corporation of the President, LDS Church. The latter one was a one-year internship that has promising IT training for Carl, but something that would require us to move to Riverton, Utah. On his 1^st week with Silla, Carl received a call from the Church Headquarters asking him when he will be available for a video conference interview. What's gonna happen after that interview was something we would have never expected after all that we've been through.

One night, after we've said our prayers, Carl asked me... “are you ready to move to Utah?” I thought at first he was talking about my application to BYU Graduate School. It didn't quite sink in to me that he was referring to his internship with the church. I was speechless there lying in our bed. He began by telling me how they asked him to start by April 15^th or earlier. It hasn't been a month yet since he started with Silla, and he's just about to quit...and we have a month and a half to pack up. Our kind of good rain pour has literally started...especially because Carl received a request from his future boss for him to start as early as March 1^st. Now we had barely 3 weeks to pack up and move 700 miles north of California.

We spent Valentine's weekend with friends. We watched Valentine's Day on the 13^th in Glendale, with Aprilon, Mhar and Liezel and later had dinner at Pho Citi. Mhar and Liezel stayed for the night. It was kind of our last couple of weeks together. They went to church with us, and later went on their own Valentine's day date at Kincaid. Carl and I on the other hand, bought a bouquet of flowers for Joyce. I received a gorgeous bouquet too, and we had heart shaped pancakes for breakfast earlier that day. Carl and I had dinner at Hokkaido's Seafood Buffet in Long Beach. It was awesome – better than Honolulu's Makino Chaya. Carl bought me a silver necklace for Valentine's. This was way better than last years...

A week later, Lui visited us from Salt Lake and Mhar came down again to interview for Carl's position with Silla. It was our last weekend in California. Almost all our friends from SoCal got together that weekend – to see Lui, to welcome Mhar to SoCal, and to send us off to Utah. We had dinner at Hokkaido's on Friday night, on Saturday night ate dinner at Home Town Buffet and later hit Santa Monica and walked down 3^rd Street Promenade and watched Leo DiCaprio's Shutter Island. It was another good weekend. It would have been nicer if the Pascuals were able to join us, but they were busy with getting into their new home (which was another good thing to celebrate actually!).

The week that followed was all excited, sad, rushed, but glad. We finished packing the rest of our stuff. Our bed was donated to a new family in the ward. I said goodbye to my kids Brent, Chase, and Kaylie. We had family dinner with Joyce, Jen and her kids, the missionaries, and Lei and Ricky. Jasmine gave birth to a healthy 6.9-pound baby Keana Leirose and will be home from the hospital when we arrive later that week. Carl prepped our car, and we were all set to move by Thursday night...

At the beginning of the year, Liezel told me 2010's gotta be a good year. Well, for one, Carl and I have finally found a better deal with the US economy. As for our friends, the Pascuals finally bought a home for themselves, Mhar has found a job in Southern California and can now live closer to Liezel, Becky's almost done with school, Jennifer has found a family friend company and now has more time with her kids, and Joyce can help another family when an opportunity comes up just like the way she helped us get back on our tracks. I guess Liezel's vision of a better 2010 is pretty accurate...

Now its time for a new adventure...

greeting the new year

JANUARY 2010

We greeted 2010 with our friends in no less than Las Vegas. Yes - a bunch of broke young adults went to Las Vegas with hopes of having fun and setting aside our stressful lives for just a couple of days. Andrew was visiting from Hawaii, and so we took him around – maybe too much. Mhar took him around San Francisco, and with Liezel and Becky he was taken around Los Angeles. When we met up with them on the 30^th, he was bound to explore Las Vegas and probably Salt Lake City in the next 2 days. Carl and Mhar took turns as we took off to Vegas for New Year's Eve. With no hotel accommodations waiting for us, we just braved ourselves and decided we were gonna have fun as we greet the turn of the decade with a bang! We walked down the strip and took endless pictures until we were tired and feet were all numb. Carl and Mhar took a nap in the car, to recharge for another stretch of a couple hundred mile drive to Salt Lake City. Andrew from the islands wanted to see snow, and Carl and I wanted to take the chance to visit Jasmine before she gives birth.

We enjoyed ourselves in the lights and sounds of Las Vegas. The boys, perhaps, had too much to see! We “partied” to the New Year!!! We left Vegas at around 3am.

We reached Draper around 7am. The Milburys made us breakfast and were too kind they let us use their bathroom so we could all shower. Carl and I were very happy to visit Jasmine before she gives birth.

We went to Provo and took pictures around BYU campus,the Missionary Training Center, and Provo temple. We had dinner at Jenneth and Daniel Hampton's home. We had a good time reconnecting with old friends like the Catahans and the Comptons from Hawaii.

We later met up with Carl's mission companion Scott Warner and his fiance Cherise.

We stayed at Shey and Micah Bybee's apartment for the night (unfortunately, the Bybees were spending New Years in Pocatello). We had breakfast the next day at ate Jan's place...and Lui prepared Curry for our lunch!

Utah friends are so awesome! Shey and Micah made it to Salt Lake right before we had to leave for California. It had been an awesome holiday weekend.

Two weeks later, the gang met up again in Southern California for Kohath's 2^nd birthday.

KC Cornelio took time off from her training in North Carolina and paid us a visit. We spent that weekend in Bakersfield celebrating with the Pascuals. Ate Yvonne and kuya Kamille prepared a feast for their little Koko. Koko had a Mickey-themed party. We filled ourselves with pork bbq, pancit, grilled squid, addobo, salad and a lot of karaoke singing on top! It was fun. Of course, no trip to Bakersfield is complete without stopping by for ice cream at Dewar's... so we did that before driving back to LA.

In LA, we took KC around Universal City Walk. It was a rainy and rather gloomy day in sunny California.

The following week, Carl started his new job with Silla Automotive in Compton. He's be working as the company's Network Administrator. You know what they say, “when it rains, it pours”? Our kind of good rain showers was about to come our way...the kind of good rain pouring – its unbelievably overwhelming...

holiday stories...

DECEMBER 2009

Carl never ran out of interviews. He took the job search seriously – like an 8-5 job. He wakes up and opens the computer, takes a break at noon for lunch, then resumes his search. He was anxious because we only had enough funds to cover a few weeks and he only had a couple of months to find a new job or he will be out of legal status. We frequently talked about our options, sometimes we ended up arguing about them. Each day became very stressful. Carl tried to reach some of his contacts in San Francisco.

We took a trip there a week before Christmas with Liezel and her friend ate Thelma.

We attended Serramonte Ward's Christmas party. Carl served most of his mission in Serramonte back in 2003.

We met up with ate Ann and kuya Philip Sagum. They are Carl's dear friends from Daly City. Carl was one of their witnesses when they got sealed in the Oakland Temple in 2005, and kuya Philip was one of ours when we got married in Hawaii in 2008.

They took us to BJs for dinner to celebrate ate Ann's birthday and their long awaited pregnancy. They've been trying to conceive for the past 8 years...and now she's finally expecting. Their story inspired us, since Carl and I are not having success reproductively. We were comforted because, indeed, in the Lord's time and through the Lord's will, we will be blessed with the opportunity to bear and raise a child.

Back in Southern California, I sent out our Holiday greeting cards just in time. We received some ourselves and we displayed them on our wall. Christmas time was getting closer as advanced notices from friends who were visiting for the Holidays came one by one.

Julie, Carl's ex-workmate from MySpace, treated us with free park-hopper tickets to Disneyland. It was like a return favor for everytime that Carl agreed to switch days off with her when they were still working together. We took that opportunity to unwind and de-stress ourselves.

Carl had a lot of interviews but no job offer came. It was frustrating...but we kept our hopes, Carl actually did this more than I did. I was getting more pessimistic everyday I was pathetic. Somedays, I thought our California-adventure was a big joke when no one was trying to be funny. Christmas came and we called home...I was sobbing like a severely wounded child as I talked to my mom. Carl kept his calm and comforted his family, telling them we were gonna be ok. We had Christmas dinner with Joyce's family. I made stuffed pork loin and guinataan and brought those to ate Lei and Ricky's apartment in Downey. Ate Lei made spaghetti. We ate and played Uno until probably 11pm. I prepared buko pandan salad for Carl and mine's own little feast in our room. Carl got me Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Saga (all four of them) and I got him photobook of our wedding pictures. Carl bought alcohol free White Zinfandel from Albertson's and we made a toast for a beautiful Christmas.

Our first visitor for the holidays was Zingeber, visiting from Canada. We met him at Universal City with Keith and Emerson. We later had dinner at kuya George's place in Carson.

A couple of days later, Joaquin and Hannah Gellor paid us a visit before Hannah and their daughters head back to the Philippines. Andrew arrived with Mhar and Becky a couple of days before New Year. Yes... 2009 was almost over. Liezel told me 2010 should be a good year, that we've all had a rough year and we all deserved a break. I wouldn't disgree on that... in fact, I am looking forward to a better year...

...More stuff to tell

NOVEMBER 2009

Mhar visited for Halloween. We helped Aprilon move to his new apartment in Monterey Park. Aprilon started working at Union Bank in Monterey Park. Mhar took the time to help us look for a car. We almost purchased a red Saturn sportscar but Carl found out it didn't have a good history through Carfax. Mhar and Liezel later took off to spend Halloween in Hollywood. Carl and I spent the night giving candies with Joyce...

We didn't stop looking for a car. Carl skipped sunday school to check a car he was interested in. We were desperately looking for a cheap car because Carl works graveyard shift at MySpace all the way down in El Segundo. At last, Carl contacted a dealer in Orange County who was selling a 1996 Ford Taurus with 70,000+ miles for $2000. Carl negotiated with him and he agreed to accept $1500 cash and pay the rest in an installment basis. Carl's uncle, tito Cesar, took us to the dealership...and Carl closed the deal. There goes our savings and some help from a really good friend. We drove off with our “new” car...we were supposed to head straight home, but I got confused with our orientation and I prodded Carl to take the wrong freeway by mistake.

We ended up heading to Liezel's apartment in Commerce and showed them our baby. We named her Ramzel, in honor of her fairy godparents, if you know what I mean.

November proved to be yet another trying month. Carl and I caught a bad case of flu on Thanksgiving week. I wasn't able to babysit for a couple of days. Carl rested through his days off, but wasn't quite feeling well enough to resume work. He ended up missing a whole week of work, including Thanksgiving weekend. I didn't roast a turkey on Thanksgiving. I made pork steak for our little potluck with ate Lei and Ricky, we had Thanksgiving dinner with Joyce's family, and we met up with the Pascuals on Black Saturday while recovering from the flu. When Carl was ready to go back to work the week after, he was told he had already been replaced. We braced ourselves... it was a very bad time to lose his job. We had one more payment to make for the car, and we still had to pay the rest of our break lease fee. I continued to watch Jen's kids. I watched them 4x a week, 2x from 12noon to 1am and 2x from 8am to 8pm. Doing that covered our housing. Carl took small projects so we could get by... and the search for a new job began...

and the holidays was just around the corner...

A lot of stuff to tell...

I know its been 5 months. How do I explain why I didn't blog for 5 months. Since I dont know how to explain, or rather, what explanation I would give, I would just go back to 5 months ago and start sharing our lives again.

OCTOBER 2009.

This was our last month at Lakewood Manor. We had to be out of our apartment by the 19^th. It was one of those months when it was easy to get lost in the chaos of real life. I broke down a couple of times. We moved into the apartment in June...and it hasn't been 6 months and we're moving out. Our bishop was helping us look for a place to move into. Bishop Fisher is an amazing person. He would always tell us to hang in there and counseled us to stay strong. He found us a good deal with one of the single ladies in the ward. Sister McNary lives by herself since all her kids have already moved out and are settled with their own families. She was willing to help us out since I was helping another single mom in the ward watch her kids while she works late shifts. It all worked out pretty well.

It was also Liezel's birth month. Carl and I took a trip with her to Oakland. We all had fun, especially Liezel. Usually, its Mhar who comes down to visit her in Los Angeles. We all wanted a break from Southern California anyway, so we went up north.

We met with April and Randall Zielke and had lunch at Max's in South San Francisco.

Liezel always wanted to take a ride on the cable cars in downtown San Francisco, so we went and took the rides all the way down to the pier.

We took the time to visit Nanay Julie as well. She's a lady from Carl's mission in San Francisco that he's really fond of. She took us out to dinner at Banana Island in Daly City.

By the end of the month, Emerson arrived from his trip to the Philippines. It was time to return his Camry. We picked him up at LAX, had dinner, we dropped off Carl at MySpace, he dropped me off at Joyce's, and he drove off to Bakersfield. Carl took the train to come home in the morning...and our search for our own car began...

more to tell...

WHAT BABY "DISASTERS" TEACH MOMMY WANNABES LIKE MOI

When i started babysitting for a mom in our new ward, Carl and I were really excited. We both thought this would be an awesome on-the-job training for me especially...and the best thing about it is that we can see how different or similar our "parenting" styles are... (cool i get to use the word PARENTING). So i babysit 3 kids - Brent is 4, Chase is almost 2, and Kaylie is 11 months. Brent goes to kindergarten/early headstart during the day and gets home at 5:30-ish...so i spend most of the day with the two little ones. Babysitting these kids have not been uneventful so far, except for the occassional teasing and yelling and little boy fights...and of course crying all at the same time. Even that one time when I needed to stay with them for 3 days and 3 nights because their mom needed to be at a corporate training in Detroit, true i was really exhausted, but it was all good. I super love it when they take LONG naps and when they finish their food. And my favorite part of the day is when Carl comes to visit and he plays with the boys...sometimes he even takes them to the park.

I am not the perfect baby sitter in town, but I super love these kids. And today, I learned a very valuable lesson - too bad i had to learn in the hard way...

I started babysitting at 12:30 today. The day started with Kaylie napping and Chase was playing with his robots. When Kaylie woke up, Chase started to play with her. Chase took two plastic canisters with coins in them (which was sort of their coin banks) and he started shaking them. I figured both were amused with the sound the canisters made because they were both giggling. All of a sudden, Chase walks out and heads to his room and shuts the door (which wasn't odd coz he does that when he misses Brent). A couple of minutes later I peeked into the room and he was already napping. I was left with Kaylie and i tried to feed her, but she doesn't like her new formula just yet... so i played with her and i shook the canisters with her...and then while she was preoccupied, i stood up to wash my hands and grab something from the fridge...when all of a sudden I heard Kaylie coughing and she sounded like she was gasping for air... I ran to her and i saw one of the canisters open and couple of coins lying on the floor! Chase must have loosened the lid when he was playing with it which made it easy for Kaylie to open the canisters! My mind raced and the first thing i did was to open her mouth to check if she had put anything in it. She resisted and she continued coughing... i started to panic...she was red and was coughing nonstop like she wanted to cough something out and was already turning reddish. I grabbed for my phone and i was ready to call 911, because for some reason, i couldnt do my infant CPR stuff correctly! But then when i reached into my pocket my phone wasnt there...then suddenly i realized i left it with Carl coz he needed to make some calls. I took Kaylie with me, raced out the door and started knocking on neighbors' doors. 2 men came out of their apartments and helped me make calls to 911 and to Jennifer. Kaylie was still coughing but looked better when the paramedics came in. Jennifer, on the other hand, was by that time on her way to check with us. After a couple of questions, which i think i answered sanely, the paramedics cleared Kaylie and told me her air passage was clear, and the worst thing that can happen was she has already swallowed it and she's gonna poop it out. They advised us to have her checked still and possibly get an x-ray just to check if she really did ingest a foreign object. Kaylie calmed down, the paramedics left, and Jennifer came home soon after. I gave her Kaylie and I apologized as i burst into tears. I felt horrible...really really horrible.

Jennifer was very kind and she told me some comforting words. She said her only concern was if Kaylie choked...and she was glad Kaylie's air passage is clear - at that moment, that was all that mattered to her. But what really stood out to me was when she said, "IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE A MOM, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR CRISIS - BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A LOT." Jennifer went back to work after Kaylie fell asleep. She was probably so exhausted from the commotion. Jennifer told me everything is fine now and I should probably take a nap myself. (Chase by the way NAPPED through the whole fiasco).

As soon as Jennifer closed the door, i fell on my knees and prayed. I couldn't thank Heavenly Father enough for blessing Kaylie and for keeping me together through my first baby disaster. As I watched Kaylie sleep, I thought about how my mother reacted when i stuffed my nose with candied fruit seed 2o years ago. But most of all, I couldn't help but think how I could possibly let that happen to Kaylie. I felt so inadequate and questioned my capacity to be entrusted with a child.

I tried to take a nap myself and as i was laying on the couch, i realized, more than ever before, how big a responsibility being a parent really is. I also realized how important a partner is when raising a family. Taking care of these 3 babies, Carl and I saw some differences between our styles with the kids - we even have different opinions on what is "wrestling too much." But at the end of the day, the differences don't matter - whats more important is that he is there to help me out. But the biggest lesson i learned so far - no matter how hard we protect our children and no matter what we do to keep them safe, some of their choices will get them into some kind of trouble... and when those things happen, like Jennifer said, you have to be prepared.


PS. Because i felt so horrible about what happened, i told Jennifer she could fire me if she feels I am not able to take care of her kids. She said there's no way she'd fire me because her kids love me, and Carl. I think I realized one more thing - YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE UP ON PARENTING... SURE IT IS ONE TOUGH JOB, AND TOUGH MOMMIES NEVER GIVE UP!

So I guess I still need some more toughening up to do :)

Surviving, Moving On, and Gratefulness

The past couple of months, we've heard of our friends being involved in accidents on the road. I remember when i heard about Kuya Benjie's accident on his birthday, I couldn't believe he survived it. His car was a total wreck. I thought to myself, he was truly blessed. A couple of days later, Kuya Kamille got rear ended while driving on the freeway. I immediately got hold of Ate Yvonne to make sure everything was ok, and there i learned that their car got a real hard hit and Kuya Kamille was to be taken to the ER. After a couple of exams, Kuya Kamille was cleared and he only suffered muscle trauma due to crash impact. And then a few weeks later, Mhar's parked car was hit by another vehicle. Mhar was safe but his car needed serious fixing. It kept me thinking what if Mhar was in the car? And when it already seemed really odd that all these accidents were happening one after the other, I learned that Kuya Jayson and Ate Lally's family got into a slight car accident while driving in Park City. They were really lucky and they were blessed especially because both of their girls were with them.

For a few weeks, everything seemed calm and i wasn't hearing of anymore accidents. But because of the recent accidents our friends have gotten into, I made sure I reminded Carl to keep himself safe on the road. Carl works night shifts with MySpace and he leaves the house everynight at 10pm so he could be in El Segundo at around 10:45pm to be on time for his 11pm shift. He finishes work at 7:30am and reaches home at around 8:15. If you have known Carl for a while now, you would know that Carl is not the best when it comes to staying up late. In fact, I am the "vampire," not him. So even being the awesome driver that he is, I can not help but worry about him every night especially with all our friends' car accidents.

And then the most tragic news came. The Gunters were involved in a fatal car accident and Amanda was kiled. Levin and I had the same major in BYU-H and he was my classmate in a couple of my Psych classes. Amanda and I were never introduced but I have seen her around campus and in TVA. In fact, when they left Hawaii, they sold us all their kitchen supplies for $40 and literally transferred the contents of their cupboards and pantry to us. Carl told me that when he was reluctant to take all of it, Amanda insisted we take it because she'd prefer knowing somebody will really use their stuff than just leave everything on the free bin. Somehow, Levin and Amanda weren't just acquaintances to Carl and I... and we were devastated when we heard the news. And as if this wasn't quite enough, I read in Lois' blog that another couple from BYU-H was also involved in a fatal car accident. When i think about all of these accidents, it gets kind of creepy sometimes...but most of the time, very sad.

Our friends' cars have since been replaced or fixed and most of them have started the process of collecting damages. Somehow, their bodies were spared by the Lord's tender mercies and I know they have been reminded that their lives are more precious than any other earthly possessions they might have. Sadly for Levin, Amanda is now physically gone in her earthly state... but he still has Ansey to remind him of the wonderful wife he had on earth and he is assured of the promise of eternal families, and Amanda will be waiting for him and Ansey after this life. Though our friends have lost a portion of their possessions, and for Levin's case his wife, they have survived their tragedies and have started moving on. I know deep inside their hearts that they are grateful the Lord had spared them his mercy.

I always tell Carl he should be extra careful when driving at night because, first, he may never know when an accident can happen... and second, because the car he is driving is just a borrowed car. But the reality is, I am not ready to lose Carl to physical death just yet... I get frustrated when Carl doesn't get enough sleep during the day. Its a mix of being worried and being upset. Most of all, it is LOVE. I dont want Carl to get into an accident while driving at night justb because he didnt get his needed sleep. Most of all, I don't want to lose Carl. I am grateful that Carl has been blessed with alertness as he travels to and from work everyday. We are grateful for Carl's health and for our friend Emerson's car. Really, even in trials, tribulations, even tragedies... the Lord is mindful of us.

maybe when the time is right...maybe

i didnt have the motivation to write anything on our blog. i mean...what is there share - thus SHARING OUR LIVES?!?!?! the heck... i sound pathetic aren't i? yes i am... i felt crappy 75% of the time for the past couple of months...i felt hopeless, helpless and scared. i think the only good things that happened to me since we got here in California were Carl's birthday, our first wedding anniversary, and my birthday. i acknowledge the fact that we have been blessed in more ways than i noticed... but maybe because i felt so low inside, i still felt crappy for myself. Darn YOU self-pity...darn YOU.


as i have imagined... moving to California was very TRYING. on some days, i have asked myself - WHY DID WE EVEN MOVE HERE? but that phase i already dealt with. i am over it and i have accepted our fate that was brought about by the decision to move to a place that is by the way one of most hit states by this economic recession. between carl's job and my "dependent" state, i questioned my purpose here in America and that made matters worse - because for the first time in my life it didnt feel like i had a purpose...deep inside, i was calling myself a LOSER. thanks to Carl, family members who REALLY understood where i was coming from, and friends who REALLY knew how hard it was for me - i slowly got over my self-imposed depression also known as SELF PITY. i got a little better each day, and each day became a little better...




and then it came... and i almost thought i was crazy... back track to July.


Carl and I have been trying to conceive since the day we got married. we've read stuff, we've tried stuff, i had my stuff checked. we were advised to get both of us checked if we dont successfully conceive after a year of trying. On Carl's birthday, I was already a week late for my period. I tested - NEGATIVE. i talked to my mom, she advised me to wait it out, give it a couple more weeks then test again. 2 weeks later, i tested again - NEGATIVE. Carl was being positive and started talking to my belly, telling it to be strong. i told carl he was nuts...the tests were negative and this already happened to us before. i am not pregnant... but am i really not? i felt tired everyday and i started throwing up. my head felt light at times and i just wanted to sleep. i shrugged all of it off my shoulders... the tests were negative, can't beat that. another 2 weeks came by and i am still not having my period. carl told me to take the test. it was the morning of my birthday. i took my 3rd pregnancy test and it was negative... i was already 5 weeks delayed. i started to worry... im having most of the pregnancy symptoms in the book. maybe im not using the test kits correctly. carl took me to a local clinic and they ran a couple of tests on me. still negative. i couldnt get it. how can i not be not pregnant. the nurse advised me to come back in two weeks - which we did, for the 5th time it was negative. i was already 8 weeks delayed. she advised me to schedule an ultrasound appointment, just to make sure of whats really going on inside of me... a baby, a cyst, no baby, no cyst, whatever thats causing all my symptoms. i didn't show up for my ultrasound appointment. cold feet. what if there's no baby, but theres a cyst instead. i wont be surprised...it runs in the blood. carl was persistent. he wanted me to take that ultrasound on Sept. 16th. at this point...i was already 12 weeks delayed. I refused and insisted we wait for October... it ended up we didnt have to. I bled on the 15th. It wasnt miscarriage, it was my period.


I wasnt pregnant afterall. What I had was probably PSEUDOCYESIS. yup - BIG WORD. its commonly called hysterical pregnancy and it means false pregnancy - the body exhibits pregnancy symptoms even if theres no pregnancy because the mind and the body wants to have a baby badly. its mostly psychological. reports have shown that some women actually get huge prego bellies like for real but theres no real pregnancy going on and other people might even feel fetal movements. Crazy huh... i actually thought i was crazy.




self pity mode all over again. i saw the faces and bellies of every pregnant woman i know in my mind at that moment and i wanted to ask them WHY ARE YOU PREGNANT AND I AM NOT?! it felt unfair - really unfair. i was mad at my body... because i failed once again - at something that I know i should be able to do. it took me a couple of days... i still DONT want to see pregnant women right now, especially those who just got pregnant. if some of you will read this one, dont get me wrong. i am not mad at you or your pregnancy - just dont talk to me about it right now. to those who had been prego for a while now, like my dear friend Samantha, you're all good - i know what youve been through and you totally deserve your baby.


as for me and carl, and my uterus...we will keep on trying...and maybe when the time is right, my womb ill get that chance too... maybe.